Name: Jack Wills.
Age: 17.
Appearance: Offensively sexy.
Jack Wills the brand? That’s it. Aimed at students. Pheasant with a walking stick for a logo. Quite posh.
And that’s sexy? Well, no, the brand isn’t sexy. The brand sells expensive hoodies and overpriced polo shirts. It sells a boating blazer so obnoxious that it must exist only to help identify people who want to be punched. Jack Wills isn’t sexy.
Then what is? A recent Jack Wills mailout catalogue. It was so sexy it ended up banned.
What’s so sexy about it? It contains images of several attractive teenagers standing around in their pants, having fun.
I hate stupid sexy fun. Me too. Imagine seeing a catalogue like that as a kid and realising that you would one day be expected to stand around in your pants with your friends in an annoyingly louche manner. It would ruin your life.
Oh God, were these catalogues addressed to children? That’s appalling. Well, no. They were actually addressed to adults. But one of the adults was a parent, and that parent had kids who might feasibly have seen the catalogue, so they complained. Does that count?
I don’t think so. Well, the Advertising Standards Authority said it did. Its statement read: “The images in question showed [teenagers] relaxing and engaging in activities such as dancing, drinking and reading a newspaper together.”
Teenagers reading a newspaper? What an obscene fantasy! The ASA goes on: “Moreover, we noted that the story of the group of friends depicted them dancing and drinking while fully clothed, then dancing and drinking in their underwear … and a final scene of all of the characters in their underwear in bed together. We considered that this sequence of images … was sexually suggestive.”
And so it has been banned? Absolutely. Presumably, all future Jack Wills catalogues will feature normal teenage activities, such as being spotty and playing Xbox and having bad hair.
But where will kids find pictures of nudity now? Nowhere. The images were only available in that one Jack Wills catalogue, and now it has been banned. Our kids are safe again! Thanks, ASA!
Do say: “Jack Wills: Fabulously British.”
Don’t say: “Jack Wills: Perverted Newspaper-promoting Fetishists.”
