L’Oignon Bag – Euro 2016 diary: Zlatan, Gary Coleman, and a lost leprechaun

Player of the week

Iceland keeper Hannes Halldorsson – stifling Portugal with his best work since directing the video for Iceland’s 2012 Eurovision song contest entry. Greta Salóme & Jónsi finished 20th with Never Forget.

• Covering Halldorsson’s performance live online last week: Icelandic magazine @rvkgrapevine, tweeting his best bits: “Óðinn’s breath propelled our heroic goalie to swat away that weak-ass header”; “A weak shot from one of the wilting manboys of Portugal stopped with a flick of one mighty Icelandic hand”; and: “GOALIE LIKE THE CLIFF FACE AT DYRHÓLAEY THE ONLY THING THAT WILL DESTROY HIM IS CENTURIES OF COASTAL EROSION.”

Clarification of the week

Roy Keane, still giving the tournament’s best press conferences, clarifying what he meant by saying last season that he’d like to give “spoilt child” Eden Hazard a good kicking. “Why did I say it? That’s nothing personal, I’d do that to anybody.”

Strongest tradition

2012: Russia’s FA condemns Uefa’s €120k fine plus suspended football sanction for their fans’ far-right violence as “severe”.
2016: Russia’s FA condemns Uefa’s €150k fine plus suspended football sanction for their fans’ far-right violence as “excessive”.

Surprise of the week

Slaven Bilic, in France to watch televised matches in a TV studio surrounded by TV cameras, taken aback when his on-desk goal celebration ended up being shown on TV. “I didn’t know they would show it on TV. If I had known that, I wouldn’t have done it.”

Most misunderstood

Turkey midfielder Ozan Tufan – upset with Turkish media criticism after he was caught on camera doing his hair as Croatia’s Luka Modric shaped up to score in front of him. “I don’t get how a single moment in which I do my hair is deemed a mistake. It damages my confidence.”

Least bashful

An Ireland fan in full leprechaun outfit, happy in the middle of the Sweden end.

Miss of the week

Zlatan Ibrahimovic – toe-poking over from half a yard out against Italy, only saved by an offside flag. His pre-tournament self-billing: “The legend can still deliver.”

Most carefully chosen words

Italy defender Matteo Darmian, hailing Antonio Conte after the coach was seen lifting his side mid-match by screaming: “I’ll kill you, I’ll kill you.” Darmian: “He’s a great manager in every aspect. He works on you physically, but also on the mental side as well.”

Moment you may have missed

Thursday: Sky Sports News hiring Steve McClaren to sit in the studio and watch the England v Wales game on BBC1 on a monitor.

Noise of the week

Jonathan Pearce, reverting to his unrestrained pre-BBC 1990s Capital Gold radio commentary heyday with a roaring “Oh yes oh yes oh yes” take on Wes Hoolahan’s goal against Sweden. Runner up: Iain Dowie after Northern Ireland’s second.

Best man management

Cristiano Ronaldo’s agent Jorge Mendes tried patching up his client’s ego before last night’s match, calling him “the best example for football and for humanity, the best athlete of all time. And if there were a prize for the best person, he would win that, too.” His penalties could do with some work, though.

Double take of the week

French paper L’Equipe – quoting the late star of Diff’rent Strokes on the lessons he had learnt from his Wales side’s cruel defeat. “Gary Coleman n’a pas eu besoin d’aller chercher loin pour trouver le bon exemple: ‘L’Angleterre a bien réussi à relever la tête après avoir encaissé un but dans le temps additionnel. Alors, on peut le faire aussi’.”

Lowest blow

Facebook user @aldrigkedesig, achieving a 5.7m-views viral hit by redubbing DJ David Guetta’s opening ceremony spot with a new script: “Hello! My name is David Guetta. I brought my computer. Want to watch me press the buttons? …. First I have to turn two knobs, ok? I pressed the button! I also have headphones! Yeah, headphones!”

Most golden memories

34-year-old Wales fan Gareth Tansey – photographed asleep in his seat before kick-off against Slovakia, with retired rugby star Shane Williams trying and failing to rouse him. Fellow fan Huw Tomos-Griffiths told Wales Online: “The guy didn’t wake up until the end of the match. When I showed him the picture he couldn’t believe it.”

Best Ennustajakurkku

Finnish Facebook cucumber Ennustajakurkku – tipping results by spinning on the floor and pointing at team names. It picked three straight winners before hitting a bad run – blaming the setback on “a build-up of moisture under the price tag”.

Most cheering moments

a) 18-year-old Turkey midfielder Emre Mor waiting patiently for Luka Modric to finish his TV interview, then asking for a selfie; and b) This young Spain mascot, reacting to spotting his heroes in the tunnel.