1 Fewer sequels and remakes
This was probably included in lists of Things We Want From Hollywood In 2010. And 2009. And 2008. And it'll be included on every list like this until the Sun implodes and swallows the Earth. It's a perennial complaint for good reason. Only two of this year's top 10 movies are original works – Inception and Despicable Me – with the rest cobbled together from sequels (Iron Man 2), threequels (Toy Story 3), remakes (The Karate Kid) and adaptations (Harry Potter). It's horribly unimaginative, but at least next year's blockbuster season promises to be better. After all, it'll contain Super 8. And Cowboys & Aliens. Except, wait, that's based on a graphic novel. And Thor, based on a comic. And Pirates of the Caribbean 4. And The Hangover 2. And Transformers 3. Oh, what's the point?
2 Lay off the 3D
Look, Hollywood, I know 3D has its place. But that place is the 1950s. No matter how much you carp on about artistic potential or the evolution of cinema, everyone knows that you're only churning out so many gimmicky 3D films to make a quick buck. So far, the creative peak of this shiny new technology has an overlong story about a magical tree. And soon it'll be used in pointless outlets like Kung Fu Panda 2, The Smurfs and a Justin Bieber concert. And, yes, I know the stock line about how 3D provides an immersive experience that can't be replicated by watching a pirated torrent on a laptop. But you know what else would do that? Good stories.
3 More berserk Batman casting rumours
In a way, it doesn't matter what The Dark Knight Rises will be like when it's eventually released in 2012, because there isn't a hope in hell that it'll be as fun as all the casting speculation that the internet has thrown up about it so far. At one point it was announced that Cher would play Catwoman, even though she'd be 66 when the film comes out. Also, Eddie Murphy was going to play the Riddler – and, given the bulk of his recent output, probably the Riddler's entire hilarious family of overweight rednecks as well. Those rumours were good, but hopefully next year's will be even better. David Hasselhoff to play the Penguin? Ronnie Corbett to play Mr Freeze? The Terrible Trio to be played by Steve Guttenberg, Ted Danson and Tom Selleck from Three Men and a Baby? Faceless internet masses, get to work.
4 Pirates of the Caribbean 4 to be shorter, and actually make sense this time
Despite their wild success, I defy anyone to construct a clear, easy-to-follow set of bullet points about everything that happened in Pirates of the Caribbean 2 and 3. They were messy, confusing, self-indulgent excuses for Johnny Depp to run around in circles while pulling a variety of silly faces. Wouldn't it be brilliant if next summer's Pirates Of The Caribbean: On Stranger Tides managed to pare back the bloat and tell a simple, dynamic story in under two hours? The good news is that Gore Verbinski isn't directing, so there's hope. The bad news is that the new guy is Rob Marshall, whose last film, Nine, was a messy, confusing, self-indulgent excuse for Daniel Day-Lewis to run around in circles while pulling a variety of silly faces. Oh well – there's always Pirates of the Caribbean 5.
5 Don't make The Social Network the start of a new trend
Hollywood, I know what you're thinking and I want you to stop. You know you've got a reputation for riding ideas until the wheels fall off. That's why Scream spawned I Know What You Did Last Summer, why Basic Instinct spawned Body of Evidence, and why Gremlins spawned four Critters movies, four Ghoulies movies and Hobgoblins. But, please, leave The Social Network alone. Yes, it might have made close to $200m so far, and, yes, it might end up winning a few Oscars, but that doesn't mean that every two-bit producer should now start rushing their own cash-in internet start-up movie into production. The Social Network is one thing. But eBay: The Motion Picture? Paypal: How It All Began? Comparethemarket.com: Lust for Glory? Please don't do it, Hollywood. You're better than that. Actually, you're not better than that at all. But just leave it this time, OK?
6 Stop employing M Night Shyamalan
Not to wish unemployment on anybody, but it'd be great if – just once – M Night Shyamalan wasn't allowed direct a film until someone has ensured it'll actually be watchable. The Lady in the Water was bad. The Happening was worse – possibly the least enjoyable film about menacing breezes in history of cinema. But despite that, The Last Airbender still managed to be the absolute nadir of Shyamalan's entire career; a directionless carbuncle full of underwhelming effects and clunky exposition-filled dialogue. The sensible thing to do at this point would be to quietly shunt Shyamalan off to the sidelines to direct public service announcements about asthma. But no. Instead he's somehow been allowed to convince Bruce Willis, Gwyneth Paltrow and Bradley Cooper that his next, top-secret film won't be a steaming pile of unremitting horrors. How many more chances is he allowed?
7 Give us our vampires back
It's becoming an observation so well-worn that it's probably already on a Michael McIntyre DVD somewhere, but what happened to vampires? They used to be so reliable – either swarthy-looking aristocrats with slicked-back hair who could turn into bats or, in the case of several specific European films, lesbians who couldn't keep their tops on. But look at them now. If they're not uninterested Nick Kamen types who get all glittery when the sun comes out, then they're big-eyed Swedish children who knock about with paedophiles. Next year, let's get back to basics. Let's have a film about a vampire with a dodgy accent and a servant called Igor. Let's have everyone travel around in horse-drawn carriages. And, for the love of God, let's have absolutely nothing to do with Paramore. Deal?
8 Pixar to stop being quite so unremittingly bleak
The biggest problem with Pixar movies, obviously, is that they're brilliant. Toy Story 3 is the most commercially successful film of the year, and Up was the standout movie of 2009. They're brilliant films. But that is because they've developed an emotional maturity that you don't often find in mainstream animation. Wall-E dealt with loneliness and alienation. Toy Story 3 contained a scene where all the characters sat down and quietly prepared themselves for death. Up went one step further and showed us a woman's life, illness and heartbreaking death before the film had even properly begun. At least next year's offering is only Cars 2. With any luck it'll be a respite from all the despair that's come to characterise Pixar's recent work. Unless there's a subplot in which Luigi becomes a street prostitute to fund his crack habit, of course.
9 No new Nicholas Sparks movies
It's not that movies based on Nicholas Sparks books – think The Notebook or Nights in Rodanthe or The Last Song – are bad. Even though they are bad. They're unbelievably bad. They're gloopy, cynically manipulative melodramas in which a boy falls in love with a girl and then someone dies, and they are bad. But that's not the point. The point is that Sparks can churn them out with astonishing frequency. This year alone saw two releases from him, one of which had the audacity to star Miley Cyrus, with even more on the horizon. Sparks has clearly never heard the line about absence making the heart grow fonder. He'd probably find audiences would be even more receptive to his work if he took a year off to enjoy the trappings of his success. Or two years. Or more. Just look at JD Salinger. People loved him, Nicholas.
10 Jennifer Aniston to either make better films, or bad films less prolifically
This year saw Jennifer Aniston star in The Switch and The Bounty Hunter, two catastrophically bad romantic comedies that seriously wounded her reputation. Last year saw Jennifer Aniston star in He's Just Not That Into You and Love Happens, one catastrophically bad romantic comedy and one catastrophically bad romantic drama that both seriously wounded her reputation. If she keeps up at this pace, she won't have a reputation left by next Christmas, so she basically has two options. She can either keep making bad films, but at a much slower pace so people don't notice as much. Or she can carry on as she is, but just concentrate on making better films. Next year sees Jennifer Aniston star in three movies, one of which is an Adam Sandler romantic comedy. She's made her choice.
