Spoiler alert: this blog is published after the first UK broadcast of 24: Live Another Day. Do not read on unless you have watched episode 10.
Read Stuart's episode nine blog here
Previously on 24
Catelyn Stark: dead. Catelyn Stark's son: dead. Catelyn Stark's daughter: dead. Catelyn Stark's son-in-law: dead. Catelyn Stark's son-in-law's sister: dead. Hipster analyst: dead. World's most useless hitman: dead. President Heller: dead. No, wait … he's alive. Everyone in Waterloo station: alive. Jack Bauer: alive! All your hopes that this series would end without too much of that tedious mole plot: dead dead dead dead dead. Onward!
In fact, no, not onward just yet. Given that this episode was easily the single most unhinged thing that has ever been broadcast on any television anywhere in the world, I'll have to dispense with the usual recapping format and break the episode down into its parts. My god, though. What an episode. I bloody love 24.
The part where it looked like it would be a normal episode
The episode began innocuously, with Jack simultaneously chasing Benjamin Bratt The Mole through Borough Market (with his arms down by his sides like someone's auntie trying to politely run away from a rogue wasp) and explaining that Bratt's device can start a third world war. In typical 24 style, the chase included a) inexplicably bulletproof props and b) a lack of geographical awareness. It ended with Bratt being arrested, and the device falling into the hands of Julian Assange.
So far, so normal. Not even Assange's sudden adoption of a cravat, revealed at such a time to suggest that Chloe had spent the previous three-and-a-half minutes furiously attempting to give him a lovebite, was weird enough to prepare anyone for what was to come.
The part where the mole plot was put to bed incredibly quickly
Throughout the series, Benjamin Bratt has been subtly lining himself up to become Catelyn Stark's replacement as the show's chief antagonist. However, his reign didn't even last an hour. After his arrest, Bratt squandered his promise by more or less immediately giving up the device's tracking code.
Also, remember LadyBauer's husband? The one who hanged himself because he was accused of selling CIA secrets to the Chinese? No? Oh well, it turns out Benjamin Bratt framed him. LadyBauer was so furious that Jack had to take her to one side and teach her about life. His message, in summary, was "Grief is hard, but don't seek revenge by killing every single Russian you can see over the course of 35 minutes like I did." The talk seemed to work, too. Jack Bauer should write a self-help book. Anyway, Benjamin Bratt is done here.
The apparently inessential interlude with the Hellers
President Heller had a relatively quiet week, marking the end of his term as president by rocking backwards and forwards on his heels and mixing whiskey with his dementia medication. However, Boudreau finally got around to verbalising what we've all known for 10 weeks – that he's intimidated by Jack's raw sexual charisma.
He confronted Audrey and accused her of still having the hots for him. She denied it, but so unconvincingly that he got his knickers in a twist and immediately told the Russian minister for avant garde facial hair how to find Jack. This should be how couples resolve all marital disputes. Imagine how much better Jeremy Kyle would be if it was.
The furious torrent of craziness that passed for an episode finale
So. Julian Assange has the device. His plan is to make it open-source, so that anyone can set off any nuclear device whenever they feel like it. It might, as he suggests, end all global conflict forever, but a world without conflict is a world without 24 – so he clearly must be stopped.
He returns to Wikileaks to usher in this horrible age of world peace but everyone's been murdered. By the Chinese! The Chinese, who were working with Julian Assange all along! The Chinese, who stole Jack away at the end of season five and tortured him for 20 solid months! The Chinese, who are just foreign enough to get away with being purely evil. The Chinese are the baddies! They force Chloe to revert the device to its original purpose. When she's done, they kill Assange.
Still, Jack's on the way to get Chloe. He'll save her, right? NO. Before he can reach her, a lorry comes out of nowhere and smashes into his car. It's being driven by the Russians! The Russians, who were tipped off by Boudreau! The Russians, who have been after Jack since he murdered all of those ministers four years ago! The Russians, who are just foreign enough to get away with being purely evil. The Russians are the baddies, too! The episode ends in an epic three-way pile-up between China, Russia and Jack Bauer; he only survives by firing his gun around indiscriminately. Which of America's oldest enemies will parachute into view next? The Viet Cong? Nick O'Teen, Superman's pro-smoking arch-enemy? Lady Stoneheart? Whatever happens, it couldn't possibly get any crazier than this.
Except, yes it does … because the Chinese use the device to blow up a Chinese warship with an American submarine. World War Three has literally been initiated, and the man in charge of the planet's biggest superpower is a demob-happy, Alzheimer's-ridden almost-former president with a ridiculous mixture of drugs and alcohol in his system. To repeat, I bloody love 24.
Notes
• Benjamin Bratt didn't stop to eat anything at Borough Market, despite running past a sign for Northfield Farm's £5 pork and stilton burger. I Googled this burger. It has won awards. Benjamin Bratt is living in a dream world.
• Tate Donovan, who plays Boudreau, does the best "Oh shit" face I think I've ever seen. I'd like to see a spin-off of him doing nothing but blunder into one mess after another.
• "Just so we're clear, I wasn't asking. That was me being courteous." Ladies and gentlemen, Jack Bauer is better than you.
• Time-jump update. Apparently, the final episode will span 11 hours. And, since it was filmed in Southampton, I'm banking on the series finishing with Jack Bauer handing his guns over to local newsreader Fred Dinenage. "These are yours now, Fred. Protect the nation well," Jack will say as he walks off into the sunset. Then Dinenage will look at the camera, shout "OH HELL YEAH!" and high-five his weatherman, former CBBC host Simon Parkin. Freeze frame. End of series. Two thumbs up.
