Age: Brand new.
Appearance: Just plain gross.
Steady on old chap, that’s no way to talk about the royal family. That wasn’t my description; I was merely quoting an American television review.
Oh, you’re talking about a TV show. Are the Americans remaking The Royle Family? Not at all. It was actually from a review of The Royals, a new series starring Liz Hurley as the queen of England.
What? Liz Hurley’s playing Elizabeth II? Like Helen Mirren did? No! Listen very carefully. The Royals is a fictional drama about an alternate-universe British monarchy obsessed with sex and money. Imagine the real royal family, then add boobs and subtract male pattern baldness. That’s The Royals.
Right, so it’s Dallas. Yes, it’s pretty much Dallas, but produced by E! – the network that made the Kardashians famous. It started airing in the states this weekend, and it’ll be on E! in the UK on March 25th.
And what’s the consensus? Mixed, to say the least. One review, from the Daily Beast, called it “indulgence porn” and “a tabloid’s escapist fantasy played out on screen”.
Uh-oh. And that was the most positive reaction. The San Francisco Chronicle called it “disappointingly toothless”. The New York Times said it “gets old, and dull, very quickly”. The reviewer at Vulture said: “I can’t even tell if people are doing terrible accents or are just terrible at talking. Perhaps both?”
Are there no bright spots to be found at all? Well, despite all the negativity, the reviews all fell over themselves to praise Hurley’s campy, vampy turn as Queen Helena. She’s the next incarnation of Joan Collins, they say.
Ooh, I like Joan Collins. Good, because she’s in it, too. As Liz Hurley’s mum.
So I’ll enjoy it? I didn’t say that.
I’m confused. Is The Royals supposed to be good TV or bad TV? It’s hard to say. It might be good, or it might be bad, or it might be so bad it’s good, or it might not be bad enough to be so bad it’s good but still pretty good. Or not.
Can’t people just watch television sincerely any more. Never!
Do say: “Is this Liz Hurley’s annus horribilis?”
Don’t say: “Now remake The King’s Speech with Justin Bieber!”
