Ah, Eurovision. Spiritual home of twinkly pop, crazy Euro rockers, accordions and Jedward. After last year's runaway win in Dusseldorf, this year it's Azerbaijan's turn to play host. The final will be broadcast live from Baku on Saturday night, but first we have to wade through a couple of semi-finals and send home the countries that haven't quite met European standards for wind machine application and trumpet quality. The 20 winners will join the pre-qualified "Big Five" – UK, Germany, France, Spain and Italy – along with the host nation, Azerbaijan, in the final lineup of 26 finalists on Saturday.
Watching last night's first semi-final, it's heartening to see that the market for bonkers Euro cheese remains buoyant in these turbulent economic times. Here's who to watch out for on Saturday – and the ones you should be glad to never have to sit through again.
The ones to watch
Representing the Eurodisco this year are Greece and Cyprus, both of whom have served up the traditional meze of skimpy frocks, massive hair and dad-pleasing dance moves. On a similar theme (and tipped to do well) is Romania, who manage to cram moonwalking, bagpipes, white suits, skimpy dress, accordions, drumming AND flames into their three minutes – if you're planning a Eurovision drinking game on Saturday night, you may want to line your stomach.
Surely a good tip to win is Russia, who are entering with their answer to Girls Aloud – six grannies performing a jaunty little dance number in their slippers, while doing a spot of on-stage baking. It's both utterly charming and completely mad – a winning combination if ever there was one.
The ones to watch (from behind a cushion)
You might want to have the mute button handy for Albania – a truly terrifying Bjork-esque woman bellowing like a hippo stuck down a well. Keep an eye out also for Moldova – it's nothing on last year's unicycling Smurfs, but it features backing singers dressed as lamps and is heavy on the trumpets.
Equally likely to clear a room is Jedward – they've qualified for the second year running with another slice of poptastic cheese, delivered in Jedward's uniquely bonkers style. Winning Eurovision is not an option for Ireland these days, and fielding Jedward every year serves the double purpose of keeping them occupied, and ensuring the competition never gets anywhere near Dublin. This year's performance is oddly hypnotic, AND it's got a water feature.
The ones that got away
A sad goodbye to Austrian gangster rappers Trackshittaz, just for having a brilliant name and a song that was apparently about wiggling your bum, but which sounded more like something that would have Mozart spinning in his grave. A not-so-sad goodbye to Montenegro, however, and their dreadful funk-rap sung by a middle-aged man called Rambo Amadeus, accompanied by some political slogans and a wooden horse.
Other songs I never want to hear again in my life include Israel's entry, which was a bizarre Pulp tribute act sung by a terrifying man with massive sideburns, accompanied by a woman on keyboards who appeared to have been at the wine. The surprise exit of the evening was San Marino, and their random tribute to social media. How can a song that includes the lyric "If you want to come to my house, click on my mouse" not make the final?
Stu Heritage will be giving you a Friday lowdown on the remaining qualifiers, and then on Saturday night we will be liveblogging the final. Do join us then, but in the meantime let us know who your favourite is from last night's semis – are you waving the flag for Jedward, or the Russian grannies?
• Do countries really vote politically? Does anyone take Eurovision really seriously? A new Guardian eBook, Eurovision: Beyond the Sequins goes behind the scenes at the song contest. You can buy it here
