On the day this column comes out there will be a lot of talk about "Oscars fashion". How shall I talk about "Oscars fashion" so I look in the know when all the clothes always look the same to me anyway?
Tim, by email
Some people might think that writing about the clothes worn by people at the Oscars before the Oscars actually happen might not exactly fulfil the ideal of journalism. Indeed, some might compare it to tales of certain film reviewers who write their reviews without having actually seen the movie because they're so unbelievably lazy they couldn't even be bothered to sit and watch a movie. One could also, say, cite the story of a foreign correspondent who reported on the horrors of witnessing 9/11 even though he wasn't within spitting or even driving distance of New York at the time.
But that is not what I shall do here. After all, as you rightly point out, Tim, the clothes do always look the same – boring or bad – but just as the films themselves are irrelevant to the Oscars, so the individual frocks are not the point when it comes to conversations about them the next day. In both cases, it's all about revelling in the ritual.
Here are some key phrases to ease you in. You will find that they can be applied to any outfit and, when you see how easy it is, your confidence will soar:
"She really needs to sort out her stylist." "Her dress shows her curves beautifully." "I am loving that look."
If you want to get specific, a safe bet is simply to apply your opinion of the actor to the dress she is wearing:
"Jennifer Aniston's dress is too safe and boring." "Sarah Jessica Parker's style is becoming a parody of itself." "I want to like Natalie Portman's dress but there's just something a little too simpering about it."
Finally, to really gain that fashion cred, throw in phrases such as these: "Very next season"; "Nice reference to the Celine influence"; "Wow, that is so Prada 2007." Don't know what any of those phrases mean? Don't worry – no one else does either and so no one will correct you. They'll just nod in awe.
How do people such as Alexa Chung or Kate Moss achieve the golden status of being a Style Icon?
Lawrence, by email
Ah yes, le "style icon" – a dish that many think is tres complex mais non, non, non, mon correspondent! It is a recipe that any fool can manage. Par example – ingredients:
One slim teenage girl with a totally symmetrical face
Masking tape
Teeth pliers
Marlboro Lights
A fashion PR
A stylist
A paparazzo
A bored magazine editor devoid of inspiration
Take the teenage girl. Give her features something of a twist to make her look more interesting, even though she will then cite this twist as proof of how she isn't perfect but looks a bit weird, ha ha ha, even though the effect is clearly the opposite which she knows as well as you, ha ha ha. For example, you could make her long and skinny legs longer and skinnier or, should you not have access to a body lengthening machine, take your pliers and give her a gap between her two front teeth. Next, place the masking tape over her mouth so she can't eat for the next, oh, three years or so. It's up to you how al dente you like your style icon to be.
When you feel your style icon is sufficiently de-fattened so that her jutting joints will radiate to all and sundry that she is clearly someone famous, even if they can't quite place the face, remove the tape. Immediately stick a cigarette in her mouth so that all your hard work won't be undone. Leave to cool.
Grasp a fashion PR – everyone should have one lying about, they're a cupboard essential – and inform it that this girl will be going to important events, such as the launch of Shayne Ward's Greatest Hits album, and needs clothes that she will be photographed wearing. While you leave the PR to simmer, add in a stylist to speed the process and help separate the blatantly disgusting clothes from the just about wearable ones. Leave to stew.
In a separate bowl, mix together a paparazzo and an uninspired magazine editor so they can begin to feed off one another. Into that bitter mix sprinkle your fashion PR and fashion stylist stew and finally, top off with your style icon. Put in oven, remove when half-baked, and serve as quickly as possible because the taste soon fades.
• Email sartorial dilemmas to ask.hadley@theguardian.com
