Time was (February-June approximately) that the cherub-cheeked Mill would leap from its straw-bale bunk, clasp a shiny sovereign in its grubby paw and skip down the chilly street to the rumour shop to find nought but a sharp pang of disappointment. A dark and misty window was slammed tight before the shelves where the tasty morsels might lie, and even if the Mill pressed its pudgy nose hard enough against the pane, only empty trays could be discerned; a dizzy wasp and a weary fly creeping across bitter crumbs of rumours past. Him to there, and Gareth Barry, etc.
Now, though, those days are gone, and tedious filler metaphors need stretch no longer than one paragraph and this line. The shelves are stocked with bursting buns of idle tittle-tattle and the Mill tips the scales at a healthy 250-plus comments per day. Enough, then, of the appetiser, on with the feast.
Harry Redknapp is no stranger to a transfer banquet, and while his table this year may so far be bare, the Tottenham trader is sharpening his knives. Redknapp will do battle with Manchester City for David Beckham, according to the Sun, and will pass plates of Alan Hutton to Aston Villa, for £5m, and toss Jermaine Jenas into the corner, where Jose Mourinho and Martin O'Neill can scrap it out for the midfielder, provided one can find £10m to grease Redknapp's palm and carry the midfielder to Internazionale or Villa.
Birmingham City's transfer splurge will continue with a £4m move for Villa's Craig Gardner, the same fee they'll pay Reading for Stephen Hunt. Once of Reading, now a free agent, Leroy Lita will sign for Leicester City.
Gary Megson will try to convince Damien Duff, Sam Ricketts and Zat Knight that Bolton is nice this time of year, and will point at FC Seoul's South Korean winger Lee Chung-Yong and say: "He believed me, and I have just signed him for £1.5m."
West Ham are expected to sign the 17-year-old striker Frank Nouble, whose principal claim to fame so far is that he rejected a contract at Chelsea. And on the subject of rejections, Steve Bruce has abandoned his attempts to take Lee Cattermole to Sunderland, West Brom have told Fulham to do one if they think £3.25m is going to get them Jonathan Greening, and an "unnamed" club has had a £3m bid rejected by Middlesbrough for Afonso Alves. And if you believe that, etc.
Fulham have had more luck persuading Lillestrom to part with the Norway international Bjorn Helge Riise, and will take the younger brother of the former Liverpool full-back John Arne to Craven Cottage for an undisclosed fee.
Phil Brown has failed in his attempts to sign four strikers for Hull City this summer, which presumably explains his desperate interest in Bobby Zamora. And on the subject of desperation, Napoli want Andrea Dossena from Liverpool.
Joleon Lescott will "plead" with David Moyes for the chance to chew the fat with Manchester City, while Roman Abramovich is jetting out to join John Terry in California for "crunch" talks with the Chelsea captain, before JT jacks it in for the Eastlands jamboree. The Brazilian midfielder Elano won't be there to greet them, however. He's off to Cologne on a season-long loan.
Sven-Goran Eriksson is not going to be managing Notts County next season, despite what you might read from other sources, but Everton's Swede count will go up by one when the Under-21 midfielder Rasmus Elm completes a £6m deal from Kalmar.
That just leaves us with Dexter Blackstock leaving QPR for Nottingham Forest for £1.6m – and whatever hot air you can pipe into the comments box below over the coming 24 hours.
