After the Meghan-Harry engagement various media outlets composed Markle family trees featuring key facts about the ancestors and living relations who are believed, whether due to humble birth or marital breakdown, careless talk or overt upward mobility, to tell us something significant about the prince’s fiancee.
To date, in the absence of any evidence of scandal or wrongdoing, pressing questions include: how did descendants of Mattie Turnipseed, Markle’s great-great-great-grandmother, rise, within 150 years, from slavery to royal duties? Does Markle’s half-sister, Samantha, regret saying mean things? And just who, it’s being asked, is Thomas Markle Junior, Markle’s half-brother, who allegedly (charges were never pressed) held a gun to his girlfriend’s head?
In the event that Thomas and Samantha, and any non-initiates, are similarly curious about Prince Harry’s lineage, particularly on the ways in which members of his extended family have adapted to lives of total economic dependency, here, in a spirit of reciprocity, is a brief introduction. Key family members and associates, living and otherwise, are presented in alphabetical order.
Andrew, Prince Harry’s uncle. Nicknamed, given routinely astronomical expenses, “Airmiles Andy”. Divorced. Economically inactive. A never-advertised post as “roving ambassador” ended in 2011 after exposure of his close friendship with a convicted US sex offender and billionaire, Jeffrey Epstein, who has been described as a “terrific guy” by Donald Trump: “It is even said that he likes beautiful women as much as I do and many of them are on the younger side.” Prince Andrew also enjoys warm relations with senior figures in Kazakhstan, the effective dictatorship, including with a billionaire who, for reasons still unexplained, bought Andrew’s former home, Sunninghill Park in Berkshire, for £3m above the £12m asking price.
Anne, Princess Harry’s aunt. Divorced. Economically inactive. Last year’s hardest working royal, with 114 engagements. State-funded via her mother. Acquired a criminal record in 2002, pleading guilty to an offence under the Dangerous Dogs Act, after her English bull terrier attacked two children. The same dangerous dog went on, in 2003, to kill one of the Queen’s corgis.
Beatrice, Princess Harry’s cousin. A long-time Neet (not in employment, education or training). State-dependent for both income and accommodation – in St James’s Palace, pending upgrade to the Kensington estate already housing Princes William and Harry. Accidentally cut open the face of the singer Ed Sheeran with a sword.
Cambridge, Kate, Duchess of Harry’s sister-in-law. Long-term economically inactive. Worked fleetingly, it is believed, via connections of her parents; now dependent for income and housing on the state; sporadic royal engagements.
Charles, Prince of Wales Harry’s father. Heir to throne. Divorced. Temper: alleged to have once pulled a sink off a wall. Former close friend of Jimmy Savile. Campaigning environmentalist. Has acquired seven, possibly more, properties. Proposed, age 31, to Diana, aged 19. Later told her, Diana said: “I refuse to be the only Prince of Wales who never had a mistress.” Lives, with the help of 161.1 full-time staff, on funds generated by his inherited national estate, the £896m Duchy of Cornwall, created by Edward III in 1337. Regularly breaks records for most pointless use of the royal train.
Cornwall, Camilla, Duchess of Harry’s stepmother. Divorced. Never not economically inactive. Nicknamed “the rottweiler” by Harry’s mother, Diana. In return, the older duchess reportedly referred to Diana as “that mad cow”. Effectively state-maintained and housed since marriage to Charles. Assured by Charles: “Your greatest achievement is to love me”.
Diana, Princess (d 1997) Harry’s mother. Divorced child of divorced parents, she worked briefly before being acquired by the royal family. Gaslighted by her new in-laws. Escaped in 1992 and was stripped of the title HRH prior to her death in a car crash.
Edward VII, King (d 1910) Harry’s great-great-great-grandfather. AKA “Tum-tum”. Reckless philanderer, user of prostitutes, gambler. On a positive note: he also pioneered the Norfolk jacket.
Edward VIII, King (abdicated; d 1972 ) Harry’s great-great-uncle. Husband of Wallis Simpson. Nazi sympathiser. Said Hitler was “not a bad chap”.
Edward, Prince Harry’s uncle. Reputation never fully recovered from It’s a Royal Knockout!, 1987. Production company liquidated in 2009 with assets of £40.27. Economically inactive since then. State-housed and maintained with dependent wife and children.
Eugenie, Princess Harry’s cousin. Fits her job around a 25-days-every-10-weeks holiday habit . Free accommodation with her sister, Beatrice, at St James’s Palace.
George VI, King (d 1952) Harry’s great-grandfather. Sympathetic, according to The King’s Speech.
Goldsmith, Gary Harry’s sister-in-law’s uncle. Multiply divorced. Used to host William and Kate at his “Maison de Bang Bang”, Ibiza. Recently described as a “nasty drunk” by a judge who fined him £5,000 for knocking out the fourth Mrs Goldsmith.
Margaret, Princess (d 2002) Harry’s great-aunt. Divorced. Unemployed throughout her lifetime. Lover of Roddy Llewellyn, 17 years her junior. Rude, lazy, cruel. Informally agreed to be the most disagreeable royal since Charles I.
Middletons, the Harry’s brother’s parents-in-law. Party accessory magnates. Son James understood to be an aspiring marshmallow entrepreneur.
Mother, Queen Elizabeth, the Queen (d 2002). Never not economically inactive. A revered royal figure until her death, aged 101. Immense longevity sometimes attributed to prodigious consumption of gin and Dubonnet. Left debts totalling £7m.
Philip, Prince, Duke of Edinburgh Harry’s grandfather. Family name: Schleswig-Holstein-Sonderburg-Glücksburg. Recently, in consideration of peerless loyalty, advanced age and his representation by Matt Smith in Netflix’s The Crown, a history of racist provocations has been largely set aside.
Peter Phillips Harry’s cousin. His sports and entertainment company’s clients include his grandmother and his sister, Zara. Made £750,000 organising a celebratory lunch for the Queen’s 90th birthday.
Pippa Matthews, nee Middleton Harry’s brother’s sister-in-law. Royal bridesmaid turned lifestyle authority. Hints in her book, Celebrate, included: “Don’t forget to remove the price tag from the gift”. Believed now economically inactive following (estimated) £700,000 wedding to a hedge fund manager, featuring a flypast and eye-catching glass marquee.
Queen, HM the Harry’s grandmother. Became heir following the abdication, therefore possibly the closest family comparator, in terms of upward mobility, to Markle’s Mattie Turnipseed. Revered to a degree possibly unhelpful for successors. Income recently soared thanks to the sovereign grant formula.
Sarah, Duchess of York, AKA “Fergie”. Harry’s aunt. Divorced. Unemployed. Former Weight Watchers ambassador. Self-described as “continually on the verge of bankruptcy”. Benefits include social housing: the Royal Lodge, Windsor, shared with her ex-husband.
Spencer, Charles, Earl. Harry’s avenging uncle, Diana’s brother. Twice divorced. First best man, Darius Guppy, later sentenced to five years in prison for insurance fraud.
Wallis Simpson, Duchess of Windsor (d 1986). Harry’s great-great-(approx)-aunt-in-law. Twice divorced. Nazi sympathiser.
William, Prince, Duke of Cambridge Harry’s brother. Second in line to the throne. AKA “Work-shy Will”.
Zara Tindall, nee Phillips Harry’s cousin. Equestrian, available for promotional work, brand ambassador for Land Rover.
