Name: Potatoes.
Age: As a domesticated crop, between 7,000 and 10,000 years old.
Appearance: Increasingly rare.
Why? Has a blight turned crisps into a prized scarcity? Quite the opposite: a decline in sales of potatoes, not in the harvest, is the problem.
Why would people stop buying crisps? Crisp sales remain steady, and account for 80% of processed potato purchases.
So what have people stopped buying? Oven chips? Hash browns? Croquettes? Potato waffles? Smiley faces? No, actual potatoes.
I don’t follow you. Whole, raw potatoes – sales have dipped by 20% over the past 10 years.
I’m not surprised. They don’t make a very attractive table decoration. Potatoes aren’t decorative – you cook with them.
Again, you have lost me. They’re very versatile – you can bake, fry, boil or sauté them …
Take it easy, Gordon Ramsay. I just want supper, not a science project. You’ve got it all wrong. Potatoes are the ultimate convenience food.
Fine. Give me a quick, no-fuss recipe. OK, first rinse your potatoes in cold water—
Too hard. No wonder people hate them so much. Actually, the fall in sales is attributed to the rise of carb-free diet fads.
So they are hard to make into a meal and bad for you. Not at all. Potatoes are full of minerals and fibre, and contain less carbohydrate per 100g than rice, wheat or corn.
Why doesn’t everyone just eat crisps? They do, mostly, although coincidentally Theresa May has given them up for Lent.
Is that the best she can do? Has she not got a more interesting bad habit? Apparently not.
Good. More crisps for me. Anyway, crisps’ reputation as junk food is also probably undeserved. A small bag has no more salt than some breakfast cereals.
The ones I like are an excellent source of roast chicken dust. I’m sure.
As for your unprocessed, potato-shaped potatoes, I won’t miss them. They’re not going anywhere. Britons still consume 100kg of potatoes per person annually. They’re still the most popular vegetable by far.
If you can’t microwave them, I’m not interested. You can microwave them.
I’ve stopped listening. OK.
Do say: “A new recipe from the Potato Council!”
Don’t say: “Go on, Prime Minister – treat yourself.”
