It can be hard to know when Christmas starts these days. It isn't when supermarkets start selling mince pies, because that's August. It isn't when the Christmas ads start, because that's November. It isn't Black Friday or Cyber Monday or Christmas Day itself, so when is it? Until very recently this question had a definitive answer: it was when Channel 4 showed Elf.
Though the film is only a decade old, Channel 4's Elf day has become entrenched in tradition surprisingly quickly. Usually shown on a Sunday afternoon around the second weekend of December, Elf was the sign that Christmas had well and truly arrived. Sweet without being saccharine, nostalgic while being completely current, and laugh-out-loud funny even after repeated viewings, Will Ferrell's turn as Buddy the Elf was the perfect way to usher in the festive season.
I've wrapped presents to Elf. I've got drunk on mulled wine to Elf. I – like the majority of people on the internet – have excitedly yelped Elf quotes during Elf. In 2011, Sarah Millican tweeted that Elf was about to start. It was one of her most retweeted missives ever. Six million people watched Elf in 2008 – almost the number of people who watch The X Factor. The Channel 4 Christmas broadcast of Elf brought people together year after year. It was like a royal wedding for republicans, or the Olympics for people who don't understand sport. But it isn't any more. Because Sky's nicked it. Without hyperbole, this means that Christmas is ruined.
This year, Elf can only be seen by Sky Movies subscribers. It was OK when Sky Movies nabbed Harry Potter and James Bond from ITV, because ITV showed them way too much and it was only temporary. But swiping Elf from Channel 4? That's messing with lore. It's left me adrift. Elf is how I measure Christmas. If Channel 4 isn't showing it, how will I know when Christmas is? My frame of reference is all to pot. I might celebrate Christmas tomorrow, or in July. I haven't got a clue any more.
Now, there's no doubt that Sky Movies will treat Elf well. It won't be sliced up by adverts like it was on Channel 4. And it'll be on demand, so you can watch it whenever you want. You could even watch it today, if you wanted to. But that's the problem. It's no longer an event. It isn't communal. One person's Elf day might be another person's Wednesday 27 November. I don't want to exaggerate, but I'm worried about what'll happen to Twitter without a day where everyone quotes every line from Elf like they're all participating in an ancient pagan ritual. I think it might literally dissolve before our eyes.
There's not a lot we can do. The deal has been made. Channel 4 will be Elfless this year whether we like it or not. There are workarounds. Perhaps we could hire a cinema and pile in to all watch it together. But I fear that wouldn't be the same. It just means that Christmas won't be quite as Christmassy this year.
I haven't asked who has the rights to The Muppet Christmas Carol for 2013, by the way. I'm not sure I could take the heartbreak.
