Age: First appeared 27 years ago, aged 14. But now somehow 43.
Appearance: A true everyman.
Because he looks just like a regular bloke? That and the fact that his life has been almost as eventful as the lives of every other man in the country put together.
How eventful are we talking here? Four disastrous marriages, numerous failed businesses, several sprees worth of serious crimes (as both perpetrator and victim) and a spell as the England football manager.
You made that last one up, didn't you? I did, although it's only a matter of time.
Why such a busy life? Because he's the longest-serving character in EastEnders and the last surviving member of the original gang of 23 Walford regulars. Over the course of more than 2,000 episodes, actor Adam Woodyatt's character has done enough scheming, raging, loving and suffering to leave any real human being a crumpled wreck.
And what's he up to now? He's a crumpled wreck. After a string of stresses, culminating in his stepbrother's murder confession, he gave in to the inevitable and had a bit of a mental breakdown. He was last seen six weeks ago, wandering aimless and forlorn along a motorway in bare feet and pyjamas.
Is he gone for ever? No, he's expected back any day now, but his hiatus hasn't exactly been kind to him. He's due to be found bloodstained and bearded, sleeping rough in an underpass.
How do we know? Because the plot has been leaked, and photographs of a scruffy, homeless Beale are all over the papers. One has even suggested "EastEnders' latest storyline may be the most ridiculous yet".
And might it? Compared with Phil's crack addiction, Max being buried alive and Dawn getting kidnapped by baby snatchers? Nope. It's not even the most ridiculous thing to have happened to Ian Beale.
What is? It's a three-way tie between the time his ex-wife hired a hitman to kill him, his secret failed vasectomy and the several weeks he spent as his stepson's hostage.
Do say: "That's a life well lived."
Don't say: "We've all been there."
