There was once a time when Boris Johnson only made television programmes. Now, sadly, television programmes are made about him. It was a happier time, when he was just the MP for Henley who looked and sounded like someone Bertie Wooster would help get a wife. Then a couple of perfectly shambolic turns presenting Have I Got News For You thrust him into the public eye and he’s been there ever since, obfuscating and blustering his way up the pole that he greased. The cost of this man’s ambition has been heavy indeed: Brexit, endless political turmoil and the collapse of a government. All jolly good japes though.
It is the days immediately after the Brexit vote, during which the Conservative Party indulged their penchant for am-dram machinations, that are the subject of new docudrama Theresa v Boris: How May Became PM, which airs on Sunday. Sharing the screen with pantomime villain Michael Gove, Johnson comes across as rather a passive figure, whose incompetence and arrogance almost handed the country over to Andrea Leadsom. This comes in stark contrast to that other docudrama chronicling a period of Johnson’s life (yes, there’s another one) where David Cameron is the tortoise to his hare in the race for power that is When Boris Met Dave. If making one docudrama about Johnson’s life could be deemed unfortunate, making two seems careless – but given the very real risk that Johnson, currently in high office, could cause an actual diplomatic catastrophe with inappropriate use of the word “codswallop”, there are likely to be many more. So before we have the pleasure in two years’ time of watching Boris v Britain: How Johnson Screwed a Nation, TV execs should look to his most fertile past for more inspiration.
Kids Say the Funniest Things When You Body Slam Them
Johnson once smashed a 10-year-old into the ground during a game of touch rugby in Japan. Let’s dwell on that for a minute. The current foreign secretary, a more-than-fully-grown man, flattened a Japanese child during a game where tackling wasn’t even allowed. Networks should be falling over themselves to secure his services and give the old Michael Barrymore format some modern bite. Simply line up three children on stage, have Boris fly at them, then ask how they feel now that their spleen has likely been ruptured by a government minister.
Boris does Blaine
Remember when Boris got stuck on a zip wire and shots of the harness cutting into his groin like string around a roasting joint made you long for death? Well, this time Channel 5 suspends him, David Blaine-style, mid-way over the Thames in a carriage of his cable car. His only sustenance is a copy of Das Kapital. And he can only come down when a customer actually uses the cable car.
Location, Location, Location
A friend from Eton named Darius Guppy (no relation to the singer or the fish) once asked Johnson for the address of a journalist so Darius could get them beaten up. Boris agreed then failed to provide the address, thereby sidestepping both violence and jail time. In a bid to not squander what is surely a promising double act, Boris and Darius are the new Kirsty and Phil, providing their journalist-house-finder service to anyone who wants it and in the breaks between filming accidentally-on-purpose graze each other’s hands while reaching for the digestive biscuits.
Coach Trip
We all loved Boris’ last dalliance with a coach, where he and his cronies lied to the nation: a sequel is surely in order. This time round Johnson, Gove and IDS, puffed up like randy cocks from their victory, tour the country in a coach with a picture printed on the side of them all giving us the finger.
Theresa v Boris: How May Became PM is on BBC2 at 9pm on 18 June.
