Much the jolliest arrival of the month – short of Santa Claus – was that of Lieutenant General (rtd) Sir Barney White-Spunner KCB CBE, full of beans and firing both barrels. Sir Barney, who happens to be chairman of the Countryside Alliance, took exception to an incident in The Archers that seemed to show "farmers wandering around their land with guns cocked ready to shoot anything that moves". Frankly, that is how most of us think of farmers. The alarming prevalence of cocked shotguns in the country is precisely why I prefer to live on the Isle of Dogs.
Dogs, as it happens, are at the very heart of this brouhaha.
The ever-smouldering feud between Ed and Will Grundy (starting in a small way, as these things do, with the disputed paternity of Little George Grundy) blazed into life again when Ed shot Will's dog. Ed said it was an accident. Will said it was murder. At this sore point, Sir Barney butted in and said it was unfair to farmers. He reminds me very much of George Bush senior, who, when Bill Clinton and Ross Perot were at each other's throats, broke in with: "I don't have a dog in this fight but I'd like to get in." The new editor of The Archers, who thought he was in for a rest cure after EastEnders, was hauled into the fray by his long, silky ears. And now everyone is sticking their oar in like a quinquereme of Nineveh.
You have to hand it to Sir Barney. (Sorry, I have to raise my voice here, as Ed and Will are having a fight in the turkey shed.) He certainly gingers things up – like the misprint in Appetising Ambridge that replaced a teaspoon of ginger with a tablespoon. Things have been a bit downbeat lately, what with Helen's broken heart, Darrell's suicide attempt, Jill's cataracts and Little George asking if his dog is in heaven. Bring back Barney!, say I.
By the way … whatever happened to Ross Perot?
A Month in Ambridge returns on 8 January.
