Age: 36.
Appearance: Dapper suits, little beard, loves sunglasses, often with those plastic Venetian blinds on the front. Paisley patterns shaved into his head were a thing at one stage. Wings on his back occasionally, a crown of thorns …
OK, I get it! The man likes dressing up. What does he do for a living? He's a middle-class rapper.
Nice. So he caps homies with what, a prosecco bottle? Not quite. Actually he's credited with shepherding rap music out of the ghetto, in both the literal and the artistic sense.
I like what you did there. Thanks. Basically he likes indie music, speaks up for gay rights and sometimes sings normally, but is still a raging egomaniac man-child.
So what has he done now? This week? Well he has just had a baby with Kim Kardashian, his ultra-hyped new album has been leaked on the internet, and he's apologised in an interview for all his past apologies.
Right. Shall we start with the baby? It's a healthy human female.
That's good. Otherwise not much else is known. She was born on Saturday, earlier than expected, and the announcement came from Kardashian's sister Khloe the day after.
Now the album. It's called Yeezus and it's not out until Tuesday, but you can already hear it everywhere online. West doesn't care, however, because he has a new strategy. "It's called no strategy," he says. "This album is all about giving."
Yes, he'll find himself applying that strategy to fatherhood as well. And what about these unapologies? Ah, well, he has a bit of an impulse-control problem. In 2009, he ruined the MTV Music awards for that nice Taylor Swift, and in 2005, during a telethon for the victims of hurricane Katrina, he said that George Bush "doesn't care about black people".
Outrageous! It's human rights Bush doesn't care about. Thanks. Anyway, West later apologised, but now he has told the New York Times that he takes it all back. "I think that I have like, faltered, you know, as a human," he says. "I have, as a human being, fallen to peer pressure."
We all give in to good sense sometimes. True.
Do say: "It's just the release date being moved slightly forward."
Don't say: "The album's or the baby's?"
