Ashes 2021-22 fourth Test, day three: Australia v England – as it happened

It’s been the best of days, it’s been the worst of days. To find it all wrapped up in a few paragraphs, click here.

69th over: England 254-7 (Bairstow 99, Leach 4) Bairstow gets a couple of freebies as Labuschagne drops short. He cuts for two and pulls for .... just a single, so he’s on 99. But he has the strike.

68th over: England 251-7 (Bairstow 96, Leach 4) Bairstow takes another breezy single and Leach repays his faith by keeping Cummins out. As Dan Norcross points out, Leach isn’t just the guy who famously made one not out: he has also scored 92 in a Test against Ireland.

67th over: England 250-7 (Bairstow 95, Leach 4) Bairstow doesn’t seem too concerned about the hundred, or the strike. He takes a single off the second ball from Labuschagne, who appeals for leg-before against Leach. “Outside the line, missing leg stump, too far down,” scoffs Mark Butcher, and HawkEye proves him right.

“It seems that Bairstow’s innings is exactly what we’ve been hoping Buttler would bring to the table in Test cricket,” says Tom van der Gucht. “An attacking ODI-style counter attack that wrestles back some initiative or takes the game away. Ironically, it’s the sort of innings the 2016 Bairstow used to produce before losing form and being dropped for Buttler.” Yes, it’s a strange dance those two have been in for the past several years. They’re like a pair of brothers who can’t get on because they’re too similar.

66th over: England 249-7 (Bairstow 94, Leach 4) Jack Leach comes out at No.9. He has two jobs here: to make it to the close and see Bairstow to a hundred. The Aussies scent blood again, but Leach is calm, as ever, and even picks up four with a push past backward point.

65th over: England 242-6 (Bairstow 94, Wood 38) Cummins has used all four of his fit bowlers in quick succession and none of them have found the breakthrough, so he turns to a part-timer, Marnus Labuschagne. The batters treat his round-arm leg-spin with respect and don’t even hit a six. What runs there are – a single to Wood, a two to Bairstow – come on the off side. The partnership is 69 off 69 balls, to add to England’s collection of small mercies.

64th over: England 239-6 (Bairstow 92, Wood 37) Cummins, who does love a bowling change, takes Lyon off and brings himself on again. The field placings show that he’s planning to bomb Wood, which may not be the best idea. Wood pulls him for six, then six more. Cummins bowls a wide; Wood pulls yet again, for just a single this time. Fourteen off the over! The Barmy Army are missing a trick here: they should be singing “Are you England in disguise?”.

And Bairstow becomes the first Englishman to reach 90 in this series. He should really be waving his bat.

61st over: England 215-6 (Bairstow 89, Wood 17) Bairstow, still swinging, pulls Starc for a single, and Wood adds another one with an airy glance, so there are now just two needed to make the Aussies bat again. The crowd give a big hand to Scott Boland, who is walking round the boundary in a T-shirt, looking cheerful, so maybe his rib injury isn’t too bad after all.

60th over: England 213-6 (Bairstow 88, Wood 16) Wood plays his personal shot of the day, giving Lyon the charge and lofting him over mid-off for four. One more of those will see off the follow-on.

“This Ashes tour has been pretty bleak,” says Giles Page. “Mind you most of them are from an England point of view – only the 2010-11 series countering the cycle of misery. I wonder who would England call up for the next series, given the sheer number of batting failures this series? Do we go back to James Vince, Dom Sibley etc, or look for a completely new bunch? The series against NZ in England could be just as embarrassing as this, given their bowling attack in English conditions. I’m fully aware that I’m being utterly pessimistic.”

59th over: England 205-6 (Bairstow 87, Wood 9) Yet another bowling change: this time it’s Starc replacing Green. Bairstow pulls for two and inside-edges for a single – a false shot but also a good one, as he managed to jam the bat down on a testing yorker. Starc is saying to Bairstow, “You may be in one-day mode but two can play at that game.” And that’s drinks, with England needing 12 to make Australia bat again. Jonny Bairstow has shown tremendous character but that half-session belonged to Australia, as they got rid of the fearless Stokes and the hapless Buttler. Not only did poor Buttler perish for nought: he also managed to be caught by Usman Khawaja, the man who had added a hundred after being dropped by Buttler. This can be such a cruel game.

58th over: England 201-6 (Bairstow 84, Wood 9) Cummins gives himself another breather and brings back Lyon. Will he continue with Jack Leach impression? He won’t. Bairstow takes a single off the first ball and Wood is watchful. England need 16 to avoid the follow-on, though if they manage it, it will be a mixed blessing: good for their pride, not so good for their chances of a win, which will go from slim to infinitesimal and beyond.

56th over: England 193-6 (Bairstow 82, Wood 7) Actually, Bairstow’s not bothered about the strike, as he shows by taking a single off the first ball of this over from Cummins. Wood, justifying his faith, hooks the next one for six. After another single, Cummins fires in a superb bouncer, fast and ferociously accurate. Bairstow does well to jag his head out of the way at the last second.

England now have five sixes in the match to Australia’s one. As crumbs of comfort go, it’s quite a tasty one.

55th over: England 184-6 (Bairstow 80, Wood 0) The Aussies are now a man down as Scott Boland has gone for a scan on his ribs after falling in his follow-through, but Cummins is still keen to ring the changes. He takes Lyon off and brings on Cameron Green. Bairstow sees a short one and pulls it for ... six! Then he steps away, just like in an ODI, and glides for four past third slip. A less elegant shot, top-edged into the leg side, brings a streaky single and allows him to keep the strike.

54th over: England 173-6 (Bairstow 69, Wood 0) So we’re down to the tail, and England are still 243 runs behind. Normal service is resumed. Mark Wood, flattered to be at No.8, starts with a very proper straight bat, as if rising to his positiion, then gets away with a wild heave that brings a toe-end into the off side. Broderick is right, England have had more than their share of luck today. And they’re still in the deepest of doo-doo.

53rd over: England 173-5 (Bairstow 69, Buttler 0) Bairstow is wincing, but fighting: he clips Lyon for two and then sweeps him for another six. He has now faced 38 balls from Lyon and hit 42 runs off them, with four fours and two sixes. Defiance, thy name is Bairstow. And Stokes.

52nd over: England 165-5 (Bairstow 61, Buttler 0) After that delay, Jos Buttler has to face the music. He’s made some scratchy starts in this series and he’s facing Cummins, who has got him out five times in the past month, but his first five balls bring no alarms.

Here’s Broderick, quoting me on Stokes’s performance. “‘It’s been brave, defiant, sometimes beautiful, sometimes bloody, and all utterly in character.’ Would also add ‘lucky’. Never seen a ball that fast hit a stump that hard without dislodgement. Good on him for making the most of it though...” True.

Bairstow is being bandaged up. He may well be aware that if he retires hurt, England are down to their long tail.

51st over: England 164-5 (Bairstow 60, Buttler 0) Before that, England were almost bullying Nathan Lyon. Bairstow played a slog-sweep for six, beautifully controlled, and followed it with a nudge for a well-run two. But then he took a single, and Lyon dug deep and did the trick. He now has the unfamiliar figures of 8-0-51-1.

50th over: England 155-4 (Stokes 66, Bairstow 51) If you were the Barmy Army, how would you greet this flurry of landmarks? With a rendition of God Save the Queen, of course. Stokes almost spoils their fun with a top edge off Cummins, but it lands safely, somewhere near third man.

48th over: England 140-4 (Stokes 53, Bairstow 49) Boland is off, after a rare fruitless spell, as Cummins brings himself back on. Bairstow tucks an easy single, but Stokes gets in some strife, offering a loopy edge that lands harmlessly at backward point, after taking a bouncer on the bicep. There could be a famous photo to be taken later, showing all his bruises.

Stokes and Bairstow, by the way, have reached a silent milestone: their 2000th run as a partnership in Tests. This is the 45th time they’ve batted together and their tally is now 2020, which makes them the second most prolific pair for England in the past ten years, after Alastair Cook and Joe Root. Bairstow is also in the third-best pair, and Stokes is in the fourth – both with Root. Full list here.

“Sitting in scorching Perth, Western Australia, a lonely England supporter in a sea of swaggering Australians,”
says Richard Pearce. Richard, a lot of people feel your pain. “Following the OBO one update at a time, forlornly hoping that Stokes and Bairstow can dig in. And then I read ‘I don’t want to curse them, but….’. Maybe if I’m quick this email will get to you before the now inevitable tumble of all England remaining wickets. Sigh.” Sorry!

45th over: England 135-4 (Stokes 52, Bairstow 45) Lyon, who is nothing if not a fighter, restores order with a better over, flatter and tighter, and concedes only a single as Stokes drives to long-on. These two have now put on 99. I don’t want to curse them, but they did once put on 399, in Cape Town, six years and several lifetimes ago.

44th over: England 134-4 (Stokes 51, Bairstow 45) Thirties, schmirties. Bairstow has found his flow, clipping a yorker from Boland for two, then easing another cut away for four, and dabbing to square leg for two more. Cummins shows some imagination by posting himself at short mid-on, next to the umpire, but he can’t stop Boland going for eight off the over. Is one of the all-time magic spells – stretching over the man’s first two Tests – now at an end? I wouldn’t bet on it.

43rd over: England 126-4 (Stokes 51, Bairstow 37) Bairstow does the cut-and-sweep thing again, the other way round this time: first a sweep for four, well struck off the stumps as Lyon comes round the wicket, and then a nice late cut for three. Bairstow may even get out of the thirties, which have been his downfall all year. And Lyon, as Mark Butcher notes, is going for six an over here. “That’ll make Jack Leach feel a bit better about Brisbane.”

41st over: England 115-4 (Stokes 47, Bairstow 30) Bairstow, facing Lyon, is proactive too – a cut for four, nice and measured, followed by a lap for four more. At 79, this is already England’s third-biggest partnership of the series, trailing only the two hundred stands compiled by Root and Malan, a long long time ago.

“I’ve just woken up in the middle of the night,” says Max Savochkin, “to see we’ve had another batting collapse. Do you reckon we could get someone on the blower to Scott Morrison? Surely we could find something wrong with the team’s visas and have them all sent home?”

40th over: England 107-4 (Stokes 47, Bairstow 22) More than most types of sport, Test cricket reveals character, and we are now seeing what sort of captain Pat Cummins is: passive with his field-setting, but proactive with his bowling changes. He takes Starc off and brings back Scott Boland, the man of the moment. But the magic isn’t there in this over, as his first three balls go for one, one and four – a cover drive from Stokes, beautifully timed.

39th over: England 101-4 (Stokes 42, Bairstow 21) Lyon makes some noise, for the first time as a bowler today, by appealing for leg-before as Bairstow misses a sweep. Paul Eiffel shakes his head, rightly, as Bairstow is taking guard on middle-and-off and was struck outside the line. After a few blocks, Bairstow plays a neat cover push for two and then connects with that sweep shot, finding the gap and the rope. And the England hundred comes up! Another small mercy for a nation of insomniac masochists.

38th over: England 95-4 (Stokes 42, Bairstow 15) Bairstow cover-drives Starc and fails to middle it as the bat spins round in his hand, but that’s another two, and he glances the last ball for a single to keep the strike. In between, a couple of deliveries fly through to Alex Carey, as if to remind us about the gravity of England’s situation. They’ve got 99 problems and the pitch is one.

37th over: England 92-4 (Stokes 42, Bairstow 12) Green comes off, unexpectedly, after only three overs. Cummins turns to Nathan Lyon, who’s been redundant as a bowler for the last innings and a half – though keeping busy as a sledger. Stokes charges him, goes for a big mow and is lucky to pick up two off the inside edge. Then he calms down and picks up a proper two with a flick to deep square. It doesn’t feel as if Stokes can last much longer, but he has changed the mood and reset the tone. I trust Jos Buttler is watching.

35th over: England 75-4 (Stokes 25, Bairstow 12) With Starc and Green bowling in tandem, both over 6ft 5, Australia are making maximum use of this treacherous pitch. Green’s bounce bothers Stokes again as the over opens with a steepling bumper. Stokes flashes at the next ball, almost despairingly, and gets three for it. One of the many astonishing things about this series is the way Green has outbowled Stokes as the all-rounder and fourth seamer. From Simon O’Donnell to Shane Watson, that was the one department in which England could be sure of being better than Australia.

“Good morning!” says Peter Preedy. “Another collapse... J. Liew’s article talking about a mixed gender Ashes seems more and more inspired by the over. It has been a great series for Ben Foakes and dare I say Sophie Ecclestone, who may be the best performing red-ball spinner in the country right now! Happy watching (so we don’t have to!).” That’s our job.

32nd over: England 69-4 (Stokes 22, Bairstow 10) It’s a double change as Cummins replaces himself with Starc. Bairstow, again taking his cue from Stokes, clips the first ball for four through square leg, the most fluent shot he has played. It’s too much for his bat, which seems to be split, and there’s a pause while he sends for a replacement. He flaps at a lifter and might be caught at leg slip – except that there isn’t a leg slip any more. Nobody could accuse Cummins of going in for the kill here, but then he doesn’t need to. He can be fairly sure that the kill will come to him.

31st over: England 63-4 (Stokes 22, Bairstow 4) That has put a smile on Stokes’s face. He celebrates by having a slog at Green – a miscued two into the covers, and then a lofted four over mid-off. He takes over from Crawley as the top scorer in a rather surreal innings. It doesn’t feel as if this is going to last, but they may as well go down fighting.

30th over: England 57-4 (Stokes 16, Bairstow 4) Cummins almost bags Bairstow, fending and edging just short of slip – perhaps saved by the glove. Stokes chips over cover for three, not timing it. “I think he’s in trouble here,” says Steve Harrison on commentary. “I don’t expect him to play cricket again for a while.”

29th over: England 53-4 (Stokes 13, Bairstow 3) Cummins gives Boland his eighth over on the trot and pays the price as England help themselves to five runs. Bairstow tucks into the leg side for a single and then Stokes plays another of his crisp drives, between the bowler and mid-on, for another handsome four. That brings up the England fifty – small mercies. even after taking a pounding, Boland has decent figures: 8-5-8-2.

Here’s Brian Withington, picking up on my opening remarks (03:13). “If you are really looking for sympathy for getting up at 2:30am to this fiasco,” he says, “you might need to wake up a few close relatives – those of us who have stayed up have had all empathy siphoned away like the petrol from an abandoned car on bricks. Always lovely to have your company though, however belated.” I wasn’t looking for sympathy! I was looking for humour. Sometimes, as Tom Stoppard once said, we need a typeface called ironics.

28th over: England 48-4 (Stokes 9, Bairstow 2) Stokes is dropped! By Cummins, off his own bowling. It was another straight drive, not middled this time, that went back to Cummins just above his knee. He did well to get anything on it as he followed through, but it hit the heel of his hand and bobbled out. There was a wonderful view of it from StumpCam, which managed to capture the drop through Stokes’s legs.

27th over: England 48-4 (Stokes 9, Bairstow 2) Bairstow takes the hint from Stokes and pushes the first ball of this over for two, to make it 11 off the past four balls – a tiny feast after the famine. Scott Boland’s figures are ruined: the runs (three) now outnumber the wickets (two), though not the overs (seven).

“Just thinking outside the box a little,” says Tony McKnight, “but if we start the fifth Test as soon as this one’s over, England could all be home by Tuesday, and Ashley Giles could get started on taking the game forward.”

26th over: England 46-4 (Stokes 9, Bairstow 0) The drawback to getting a single is that you have to deal with a different bowler. Stokes, facing Cummins for the first time, plays and misses. But at least he doesn’t go down the track – and a few balls later he hits a four! With a crisp straight drive, as if the past hour never happened. And then another! A swivel pull – well played, but it seems to have given Stokes some discomfort in that strained side of his. England have reached the point where even a good shot can add to their troubles.

“I just woke up in a cold sweat,” says Kim Thonger, “after a nightmare about being trapped in a burning building, caused I suspect by a large doner kebab with chili and garlic sauce for supper, but now I see this batting performance I’m returning to the nightmare, it’s preferable. Nanight.”

25th over: England 37-4 (Stokes 1, Bairstow 0) The single was the sole excitement in that over. Progress!

And here’s Charles Watkins with a question. “Is Djokovic allowed into NSW to play cricket for Europe with a racquet, on compassionate grounds? Regards, Chucky.”

24th over: England 36-4 (Stokes 0, Bairstow 0) Cameron Green has been taken off – well, he did only take one for none in four overs. Pat Cummins brings himself back and beats Jonny Bairstow outside off, as well as bruising him on the bicep as he misses a rather panicky pull. Cummins has three slips, a gully and a short leg. How bad would England have to be for there to be a fourth slip? Steve Waugh, if he was still captaining Australia, would have at least six.

23rd over: England 36-4 (Stokes 0, Bairstow 0) It’s Scott Boland to continue, and why wouldn’t it be? Where most Test bowlers make the job look like hard work, Boland just shoots fish in a barrel. Ben Stokes walks down the pitch to him, as if that strategy had been any use to him so far. Mind you, when he stays put, he plays and misses. That’s yet another maiden.

“There was a moment of near-excitement there,” said David Gower in mid-over. “Almost a run.”

Thanks Jonathan and morning everyone. Getting out of bed at 2.30am in London to find England collapsing even more easily than usual – we sportswriters really do live the dream.

That’s all I can take. To see you through the remainder of the day, it’s over to Tim de Lisle.

“Car crash cricket,” emails OBO stalwart Brian Withington. “Compelling but sickly viewing that makes you feel guilty to keep looking. I can’t believe Australian cricket lovers are really enjoying this any more? Someone please let Bairstow & Stokes engage ‘turbo nutter bastard’ mode for ten minutes of light relief before the follow on.” I’d settle for a couple of singles to rotate the strike...

There’s still 56 overs remaining today, plenty of time for a three-dayer.

“I’m following this match from Vancouver where it’s still 6^th January,” emails Julian Worker. “This is utterly pathetic from England. They couldn’t do worse if they reversed the batting order. For the 5^th Test are there any one-day players available, so we could at least lose in a quick but entertaining way?” It is absurd that, with the series lost, only one change was made to this XI. It’s self-immolation.

“Let’s not be too disproportionate here. There’s a lot of bad stuff going on in the world at the moment that’s far more serious than some guys in Sydney throwing lumps of leather and hitting with blocks of wood. But, yeah, this is pretty awful to see. I really do hope there’ll be some kind of inquest at the end of this and something put in place to try and make things better in future. Seeing who’s in charge, though, I’m not hopeful.” Matthew Lawrenson there summing things up.

“Sitting in the renamed-for-the-day Jane McGrath pavilion, surrounded by jubilant Australians (including my wife). A performance worse than I could have possibly anticipated. This is horrible.” Godspeed Tom Goodfellow, let’s hope nominative determinism wins out.

I need a drink.

“I thought you were being a little sharp with poor old Hameed,” emails Robert Wilson, “but I just saw the dismissal. Bloody hell. Devon Malcolm* would have absolutely kicked himself for that one. Is that the second straight one he’s missed this series or the third?

*Devon reserved almost all his most beautiful and orthodox strokes for those deliveries where he was clean-bowled. They sometimes looked, no joke, quite elegant. And must have felt great. Because he would hold the pose for just a second as the timber tumbled behind him. How can you not love a cricketer who does that?”

21st over: England 36-3 (Malan 3, Stokes 0) That was the textbook Joe-Root-in-Australia dismissal. Even England’s superhero cannot rescue them this time. Boland, unfussy, gets back to the top of his mark and dots up Ben Stokes from over the wicket, then shifts around and immediately beats the outside edge twice with serpentine deliveries. Australia are rampant. Boland is in dreamland. England must long for a mercy rule.

EIGHT maidens in a row.

20th over: England 36-2 (Malan 3, Root 0) SEVEN MAIDENS in a row. Three more dots to begin the set, this time from Green to Malan, then a hearty shout for LBW, declined on-field. It had a lot going for it, other than height, with Green beating Malan’s awkward fend from the crease. the final couple are left alone. England are going nowhere fast.

19th over: England 36-2 (Malan 3, Root 0) Make that six maidens on the trot. Boland continues his work and keeps Root honest for three balls. The England skipper then tries to run a single down to third-man but Green - a superb fielder - dives and stops sharply in the gully.

18th over: England 36-2 (Malan 3, Root 0) Once again Joe Root is in the middle at two for not very much. And somehow, Scott Boland’s unbelievable Test career gets even better! His bowling average has dropped to 6.88!

Cameron Green’s figures almost get a boost when Malan mistimes a pull horribly, only to see it drop short of mid-on after looping over short-leg. Malan puts his cue in the rack thereafter and Australia celebrate a fifth consecutive maiden.

16th over: England 36-1 (Crawley 18, Malan 3) Double change for Australia with Cameron Green giving Mitchell Starc a spell. There is an expectation the allrounder’s height will exploit any uneven bounce on an SCG surface that is beginning to show signs of wear. Not a lot to report from yet another maiden over, beyond Malan again missing with an attempted cut.

15th over: England 36-1 (Crawley 18, Malan 3) Captain Cummins shows he isn’t afraid to hook himself when he’s below-par, inviting Scott Boland to improve on his Test bowling average of 7.86. The Victorian is soon on a reasonable line and length, and he’s almost gifted a wicket when Crawley fails to time a pull that cannons off an edge into his pads. Another maiden, the sixth of the innings.

14th over: England 36-1 (Crawley 18, Malan 3) Starc is hurling down missiles full and straight to Malan, and they’re tailing into the left-hander a fraction from over the wicket... until the wider sucker ball that the English batter fails to cut without moving his feet. Maiden.

13th over: England 36-1 (Crawley 18, Malan 3) Cummins hasn’t hit a groove quite yet today, and he allows Malan to move off nought with a simple push off his pads. Another leak down the leg-side brings a further run. Uncharacteristic from the skipper.

12th over: England 33-1 (Crawley 18, Malan 0) Starc, with his tail up, in this gloom, is menacing. Crawley is ill at ease, and after allowing a delivery to crash into his thigh guard he is crunched on his left hand by a delivery that spits off a length. His reaction - that instinctive removal of the glove and body movement as though he’d been stung by a bee - is never a good sign. Out comes the physio with some tablets. He also has a good fiddle with the batsman’s hand and there doesn’t look to be anything broken, so Crawley continues. Not only does he continue, he shows some serious mettle, rocking back and slapping an imperious pull for four over midwicket. That was a thrilling shot.

11th over: England 29-1 (Crawley 14, Malan 0) Is that another drop!? Harris just fails to hold on at short-leg, diving high to his right, after the ball ricochets off Crawley’s thigh guard. Everyone is convinced there was an inside edge onto thigh guard, making it a catching opportunity. Cummins has been short or length to Crawley this morning, and as soon as he pitches full the Englishman drives handsomely for four through the covers, then clips neatly through long-on for three.

10th over: England 22-1 (Crawley 7, Malan 0) As I was saying, that drop was unlikely to be costly... Starc is steaming in, his knees lifting a few inches higher off the ground each stride with the adrenaline that comes with such a dramatic dismissal, and it’s Dawid Malan that has to face up. His opening ball is a brute that climbs on a length, but thereafter the line leaks down the leg-side.

9th over: England 22-0 (Hameed 6, Crawley 7) Cummins again finds enough movement off the pitch to beat Crawley’s outside edge with the English opener committed to a forward defensive. Otherwise it’s an over a little on the short side that Crawley is content to watch through to Carey’s gloves for a maiden.

8th over: England 22-0 (Hameed 6, Crawley 7) DROP! And a bad one too from Alex Carey. Routine outside edge from Hameed, playing tentatively forward outside his off stump, and the Australian gloveman failed to hold on diving one handed in front of first slip David Warner, who was ready to pouch the effort at waist height. Hameed punishes the error with a well-timed square drive for four. It’s unlikely to be costly, but that’s the kind of error Australia have done well to avoid this series.

7th over: England 18-0 (Hameed 2, Crawley 7) Lovely cricket. Pat Cummins’s first delivery of the day is over-pitched and Crawley pushes it elegantly down the ground. Marnus Labuschagne gave chase and put in a magnificent sliding dive to prevent the ball touching the rope - but it was to no avail as England ran four anyway. Cummins almost exacted his revenge a couple of balls later but after kissing the seam, his length delivery wobbles just wide of Crawley’s outside edge.

“One of the many reasons why England are so poor is second chance runs scored (i.e. runs after a drop or other second chance, such as out off a no-ball) emails David Keech. “I don’t have any stats to back it up but it seems like whenever England drop someone they go on to add massive runs. E.g. Khawaja over 100 added after being dropped. In contrast whenever an England batter gets a second chance they get out anyway just a few balls later. Let’s see what happens with Crawley after being out off a no-ball. Anybody got any data to back up or disprove my gut feel?” I would also like to see any data available on this gut feel.

6th over: England 14-0 (Hameed 2, Crawley 3) Mitchell Starc begins full and straight to Zak Crawley in murky, floodlit conditions at the SCG. The Englishman is composed, then drags a pull down to fine-leg to open the scoring for the day. Hameed’s first delivery is a very tight leave outside off stump, the opener accurately predicting Starc would not generate any in-swing from over the wicket. The crowd is into this early, which is always a nice hubbub to hear.

The two sides are now in their whites, both XIs wearing baggy pink caps, all of which are up for auction.

“England have demonstrably made a hames of it, as we say here in Ireland. But without attempting to defend the indefensible, England have been unlucky as well as poor,” argues Dean Kinsella. “They just never seemed to get the rub of the green in these matches. Often small things, but always just against the English. Today I fear they are going to have icing poured over the vermicelli.

When Ireland played their first test at Lord’s a couple of years ago, we duly climbed aboard the bus and travelled from the wild west of Mayo to witness it all. Ireland played pretty well to stay in the game and our hopes were high for at least a close enough game. Our tickets were for the next day and sure enough the rain had followed us from Mayo like a dutiful pet dog. When the covers were finally removed and play recommenced, poor old Ireland were skittled on the juicy damp pitch. I’m afraid poor old England may experience something similar today.”

Can I borrow “made a hames of it” for the OBO?

Both teams are now out on the SCG turf warming up. The two captains are chatting to the umpires, plenty of smiles all round. We should have cricket soon enough.

Brian Delroy worries that the future of Test cricket will be subject to generational change. “As a young kid I used to play Tests against myself, bouncing a tennis ball off the front verandah wall and using a bit of wrist work for the spinners,” he emails. And me too, Brian, only I would throw a tennis ball at a particular brick, or bricks, on the side wall of our bungalow. “I always scored the most runs when I was Neil Harvey or Norman O’Neil and felt the tension when Fred Titmus or Ray Illingworth came on to bowl. Extra effort went into ball speed when John Snow came into the attack.

I suspect that kids today are too attracted to the wiz-bangery of the short game, not to mention their screens, to absorb the history and subtleties of traditional cricket. I hope I’m wrong.” I think from England’s perspective it’s less the kids we need to worry about, more the administrators, who seem to be almost encouraging this sort of outcome.”

Good news! The big tarp that covers the square and run-ups has been removed. The hessian is still down over the strip, but we are inching towards play.

“Graham Russell’s point about England’s bowling is right on the money, except for a few minor details,” suggests William Vincent. “First, the fielders have dropped 17 chances in three and a bit Tests. Bloody hard to bowl a side out when you have to take about 15 wickets an innings to do it. Second, Australia were set 20 to win at Brisbane. Try bowling a side (with the possible exception of England) out for that. Third, despite the risible catching, Australia have been bowled out for 267, and declared at 230 for 9. Fourth, the captaincy has been dreadful: in particular, the use of Leach and Stokes has been inexplicable. Finally, some of the fields set have been frankly weird. England have been a laughing stock in this series because of the batting, the captaincy and the selection. The bowling, under these circumstances, has been remarkably good. Apart from that, I agree with him completely.”

May I also add, when was the last time England converted a run out opportunity? As I’ve mentioned before on here, I thought after the Ponting/Rhodes/Penney golden era of the 90s we would have reached a point where ring fielders simply didn’t miss, but to my untrained eye all they do is miss! Haseeb Hameed especially seems to have had numerous half-chances this series without threatening the pegs.

Brighten up your day with some of the finest pink outfits from Jane McGrath day at the SCG.

“Seriously, I think Stuart Broad would have made, could still make, an excellent steely captain of this team,” emails Charlie Jeffery. “Listening to him after yesterday’s play, he really didn’t mince his words and sounded like a leader to me. I like Joe Root, but surely Broad with all his experience would make a great captain, even if just for a couple of years. Bowling captain is working pretty well for Australia after all.” It’s far from the maddest suggestion. Although, he would need a dedicated DRS SpAD.

We’ve shared stories of cricket lulling listeners gently to sleep, but here’s John Honig emailing in how it can also put you to sleep. “My parents emigrated to Australia from Hungary and like most Europeans could not fathom cricket. A few weeks after they arrived my mother was asked in the street: ‘What’s the score?’ Needless to say, she was non-plussed. Her feelings about cricket can be summarised by her conviction that if you have trouble sleeping, just watch the cricket.”

Benedict Carter is here to reminisce. “Here I am aged 58, still captivated by Tests Down Under after all these years... 1977, the Centenary Test, aged fourteen: I listened to every single ball bowled, five nights in a row, on a tiny radio sitting in my boarding school dorm bog. Never forgotten it, or the result, or my zombie-like status by the end of the match!”

If anyone wants a slice of a certain English experience, listening to a cricket match happening 10,000 miles away in the middle of the night “in a boarding school dorm bog” is pretty good shorthand. Lovely stuff Benedict.

“Kia ora from NZ,” and howdy to you too John Palethorpe. “As an English exile down here, the last few weeks have truly tested my patience as a follower of my home side and my local team. Watching England get turned over in similar but always slightly different fashion, and then Bangladesh knocking over the Black Caps really should see me down the beach or in the garden enjoying the summer. And yet, it’s all been fascinating. Scott Boland’s magical spell, James Anderson’s bowling in the same Test, how England batters just have forgotten their jobs, the immense work Bangladesh put in this week. Disappointing yes, but never boring. Test cricket is alive and kicking!”

Andy Bull watched Stuart Broad lead England’s attack yesterday and wondered where the seamer had been all tour.

Broad often takes his wickets in fits and sparks, there was none of that this time, just a lot of craft, sweat, and toil. It took him 29 overs – the last time he bowled that many in an innings in which he took five was back in 2009 – and there were moments when Khawaja, Starc and Nathan Lyon were laying into him, when he looked just as vulnerable as any of his teammates. But he persisted, bowling a line and length that, the data showed, he’d often struggled to find on his previous three tours here. He drew more false shots from batsmen than he has done in the past, too. And he made his point. How bittersweet for the team that it came so late.

“I’m a Brit in Brooklyn,” opens Tobias Peggs, continuing the conversation around falling asleep to the sound of cricket, “so I tend to watch the first session on TV and then head off to bed at Aussie lunch time to the sweet radio sounds of 1116 SEN a Melbourne-based sports radio station that has somehow circumnavigated all the geo-blocking rights and offers live cricket commentary for overseas listeners (i.e. a TMS alternative, given TMS is blocked for overseas listeners on this series).

During the second test, I drifted off to sleep with England facing another shellacking, only to be woken up about 5am by a hysterical commentator going crazy about James Vince smacking the ball about everywhere. It took a couple of hazy minutes to figure out Vince had not been recalled to the Test team, but I was now listening to a Big Bash game. But it still put a big smile on my face to hear a name that wasn’t Root or Malan get a Down Under score above 20. Let’s hope it stops raining today and we get some action - TV or Radio or OBO or otherwise!”

“To win a Test match you have to take ten wickets, twice. England have only bowled the opposition out twice after six innings. Australia have passed 400 every other innings. Clearly the England batting has been poor, but it’s a mistake to think the bowling has been successful.” Excellent point, Graham Russell. Although I think the concern over the bowling (or more precisely England in the field) is more about the balance of the attack, holding onto catches, captaincy, and injuries - all of which suggesting there is a theoretical sweet spot somewhere - as opposed to the batting, which has been predictably abject with little prospect of swift redemption.

“England need someone like Dean ‘Sir Edward’ Elgar today,” emails Andrew Goudie. “What a great knock. The Indians seemed distinctly niggly towards the end, brilliant stuff.” Hear hear.

Stuart Broad spoke to the press following his five-wicket haul yesterday.

Alistair Spooner has emailed in: “Perhaps other test tragics like me have noticed that ever since the big penalties over the sandpaper affair were doled out, the phrase “the bowlers aren’t finding much swing here” seems to crop up with considerably more regularity in Test cricket?”

And while this series has not seen an imbalance between bat and ball (thanks to some sporting pitches, and some risible batting) I think the game is poorer for the decline of lateral movement. Swing has long been part of cricket and presents a specific challenge and aesthetic that benefits the contest. Ball manufactures should be incentivised to design balls that swing more, and - in my opinion - players should not be penalised for “altering the condition” to aid swing. I’m sure I’m an outlier, but I have never seen ball tampering as a moral problem. Pitches are flatter, bats are bigger and thicker, but the ball has remained largely the same, it doesn’t seem to add up.

Speaking of the sounds of cricket, here’s The Final World Daily podcast for your ears.

“I am envious of Mr. Ineson’s ability to fall gently to sleep to the sound of cricket commentary (earlier),” emails Damian Clarke. Accustomed as I am at failure in the art of slumbering, I often listen to the sound of rain through my earphones as an aid to rest. This evening I can combine my two favourite aural relaxants, and listen to the patter of precipitation on the roof of the SCG. Lovely.” This would make an excellent sleep meditation story, wouldn’t it? Stephen Fry gently reading old match reports with the sound of rain falling on a corrugated iron roof in the background. Aahhh, I feel calmer already.

The late great Arthur Morris gave me one of the interviews I most cherish. Warm, patient and generous. If you’re heading to the SCG any time, check out his display.

Usman Khawaja’s century stole the show yesterday and it fell to Geoff Lemon to rhapsodise about a man so often a square peg in a round hole.

Khawaja is no stranger to solving problems for Australia. During the one-day World Cup in 2019 he was thrown in at No 5 despite never having batted there in List A cricket. In the current match he was asked to bat there despite never having done so in Tests. By this point of his career the details such as where he bats don’t seem to faze Khawaja. He walked in on the first evening with Australia 117 for three, with trouble looming for the team if he failed, and instead made sure that he didn’t. He first batted through to stumps, then through the first session of the next day with Smith, before assuming the senior role once Smith was gone.

Charles Sheldrick knows there are no rainbows without rain. “We could be on for England’s longest partnership of the series if it keeps raining. We can’t lose with the covers on!” Don’t tempt fate Charles, this is the England cricket team remember.

Here’s what happened yesterday, through the eyes of Ali Martin.

Well Christopher, feel free to drift off at your leisure tonight, there will be no cricket to distract you for a while.

It’s raining in Sydney. Not heavily at the moment, and the radar isn’t too bad, but the covers are over the square and the start time remains a movable feast.