Roberto Carlos

Wearing a natty black T-shirt and a smile almost as big as those monster thighs, Roberto Carlos takes Small Talk aside in the passageway between the dressing rooms and the car park at Real Madrid's training ground. Alas, the location is not quite so private as the World Cup winner hoped. A mention of Kylie and Britney and pretty soon there's a giggling audience of Spaniards wondering if English interviews are always like this...

Just how big are your thighs?
My thighs? Fifty-eight, no, 60cm in diameter.

Small Talk would quite like a pair, too. Where did you get them?
[Grinning] Nah ... these are natural, Small Talk. I've never done anything special to get them, I've not worked on these.

Don't you think it's a bit unfair on the guys who stand in the wall bricking it when you take free-kicks?
I'm not aiming for the wall, you know. But, yeah, the people in there are really scared that I might hit them. It's normal for them to be nervous.

Who would you like to see quivering in the wall?
[Firmly] Nobody.

Nobody? Come on, there must be someone you'd like to really whack the ball at...
[Absolutely straight]. No, no. I don't have enemies.

What about that free-kick in the Tournoi? What happened?
Even now, I don't know. The ball did something really odd, it took a strange path. It was going wide and then suddenly turned back and went inside the post. It was like I'd kicked a beach football. That was an unforgettable goal for me, but I really don't know how it happened. It's totally inexplicable.

You used to take all the free-kicks at Madrid and then David Beckham arrived, ready to rob them off you. Didn't that annoy you?
Not at all, not at all. David's the best in the world when it comes to striking the ball, he always hits it so well. Perfect.

But you've actually scored more than Becks, as it turns out...
I've scored more goals than him because I have had more chances than he has. Next year we'll have to put some money on - we'll have a bet between us to see who can score the most goals.

Is it true that you taught him all the Spanish swearwords?
[Grinning a cheeky schoolboy grin] Some of them, some of them...

Which ones? Perhaps Hijo de puta [son of a bitch - which caused Beckham to be sent off against Murcia last weekend]?
[Smiles] I'm not saying which... He needed to gain confidence expressing himself in Spanish and it's normal for us to have a laugh with the swearwords. That way he doesn't need to answer "sí" to everything. And yes, I taught him a few words.

And do you know all the English ones?
Yeah... in English, yeah. [Like the time you came into the press room with Steve McManaman and all the journalists were sat in puddles on the floor and, live on telly, you shouted out...] [Starts grinning] Farkeen 'ell! Yeah, heh heh.

Do you miss Macca?
I miss him a lot, all of us do... Macca was a spectacular bloke.

Who takes the longest preening himself at Madrid?
[Quick as a flash] Míchel, Míchel, Míchel Salgaldo... he looks after himself the best.

Why are Brazilians so good at football?
Because we're not scared of playing, we're not reliant on results, we're not worried. When we go out onto the pitch we know we've got 90 minutes of sheer enjoyment to come. Our mentality is different, that's why. And wining the World Cup is a unique feeling... when you get the trophy... it's spectacular, amazing... you feel like you're the centre of the world... I can't explain it.

Who's the best player in the world?
Zidane. Ronaldinho will be the best player in the world next year or in a couple of years' time but at the moment Zidane is No1.

What's gone wrong for Madrid this year?
We went all-out for all three competitions and I think we have suffered because of the Copa del Rey. I think next year it would be better just to try to win the league and the European Cup.

Anyway, onto the more important questions. Who would win a fight between a lion and a tiger?
I think the lion. Why? Because I reckon the lion is stronger, and faster.

What was the last book you read?
I don't buy books, ever... and I only tend to read the sports press.

What colour underpants are you wearing today?
Today? White. I nearly always wear white or black.

Which fans give you the most stick?
No club in particular. I don't like people who go to matches just to have a go...

How do you take your coffee?
[Smirking] With my mouth...

Boom, boom. Kylie or Britney?
Britney Spears. Why? She's a great woman, pretty...

And Kylie's not?
Nah. I prefer Britney.

Liverpool or Manchester United?
[Long pause, Small Talk tries to help. Roberto ignores the advice] Manchester.

Arsenal or Chelsea?

Arsenal. [The audience chuckles, Roberto keeps a straight face]

You say that without even flinching or smiling or anything...
[Smiles] Eh? ... Cheek.

What have you got in your pockets?
My phone, nothing else.

And, finally, where are you going now?
To eat. I'm hungry...

Well, enjoy your lunch. Thank you Roberto.
No, thank you Small Talk.