Age: 220-ish.
Appearance: Invisible.
Nitrous oxide? You mean laughing gas? The dental anaesthetic? Is this about my teeth? It's not about your teeth. Besides, nobody calls it laughing gas any more.
We don't? Then what do we call it? Hippy crack.
Seriously? Hippy crack? Has anyone ever, in the history of all the entire world, been able to say the words "hippy crack" without dying inside? No. But that hasn't stopped it from being all the rage with the kids at the moment.
When you say "it" ... I mean inhaling balloons full of it.
And when you say "the kids" ... I mean allegedly Jessica Wright from The Only Way Is Essex. You know, the feisty straight-talker who owns a lingerie shop and is noted for her fierce loyalty.
You just looked that up, didn't you? Shh. Anyway, Wright has been condemned by anti-drug campaigners after she was pictured posing with a balloon at a festival last month.
But how did they get the picture? Have the paparazzi been invading her privacy again? Not really. She took the picture herself.
So her phone was hacked? Damn you Fleet Street. No, she tweeted the picture to her 994,000 followers. On purpose.
But what's the problem? It's legal. It's technically legal, although it's illegal to sell it for recreational purposes. Unlicensed vendors risk a two-year prison sentence. The campaigners have more of a problem with the fact that recreational nitrous oxide has killed 52 people since 1971.
Perhaps Jessica wasn't using it for recreational purposes, though. Or perhaps she was just blowing up a balloon. Perhaps she was in labour. Perhaps it was helium, and she wanted to sound like a chipmunk. You might be on to something. Perhaps Prince Harry was in labour when he was caught using it three years ago.
Oh, classy. What happens to people on nitrous oxide, anyway? They experience hallucinations, loss of limb control and uncontrollable laughter.
But I experienced all of that just by watching Jessica Wright's debut music video. So did I, fictional Pass Notes counterpart. So did I.
Do say: "I don't know whether to laugh or cry."
Don't say: "I want to be like Jessica Wright. Or anybody from TOWIE. In any discernible way. Please."
