Name: Golfers Against Corbyn.
Age: A few days old.
Appearance: Rich, angry, inexplicably fond of horrible trousers.
We all knew this day would come. Finally, the golfing community has spoken as one about Labour’s nebulous Brexit policy. Nope, try again.
OK. Finally, the golfing community has spoken out against the pointlessness of trying to elect a historically disliked party leader. Wrong again. Shall I just put you out of your misery?
I honestly can’t think of any others issues that are more pressing in the modern day than either of … It’s taxes.
What? Golfers hate Jeremy Corbyn because he wants them to pay more taxes.
Really? Golfers specifically? No, not just golfers, but given that golfers are essentially just big babies who pay to visit giant adult playgrounds where they can hit balls and drive around in special little cars, they are probably quite a good microcosm of the idle rich.
Good point. So who said what? Well, the golfing community seems to have taken offence at Corbyn’s claim that “in a fair society there would be no billionaires and no one would live in poverty”.
Anyone specifically? Ian Poulter, the 40th best golfer in the world, tweeted the following to Corbyn: “What a complete buffoon you really are. No one is allowed to be successful. You can’t for one minute be serious. Deluded.”
Anyone else? Lee Westwood, the 68th best golfer in the world, also tweeted: “This tweet is not aging well Jezza. If you’ve bothered to read the responses I’d consider rethinking your policies.”
Big poverty fans, then, those two? Not quite. It’s more that they think Corbyn’s plan is a punishment against the successful.
Are they billionaires? God, no. Not by a long shot. Poulter’s wealth is thought to be about £46m, while Westwood is only worth a measly £30m. If they wanted to become billionaires, they would have respectively had to do 21 and 34 times better in their career than they actually did.
So what’s the problem? Don’t you see? Corbyn wants to rob them of their aspiration. They could still become billionaires. It wouldn’t take much. Maybe a good investment opportunity. Maybe they could invent the next Amazon. Maybe another billionaire could suddenly die and leave their entire national net worth to those two golfers. It could happen!
Could it? No, of course not. Poulter and Westwood are a pair of dummies.
I guess this means Poulter will leave the country if Labour wins the election. He’s way ahead of you. He moved to Florida years ago.
So what’s all the fuss? You tell me, kid. You tell me.
Do say: “Jeremy Corbyn wants to ban success.”
Don’t say: “Wait a minute, are golfers Tories?”