Name: Gerald Howarth MP.
Age: 68.
Appearance: I don’t know.
Why don’t you know what Gerald Howarth looks like? I can’t see him. I’m too busy rubbing my forehead against the floor.
Why are you doing that? It’s what Gerald wants. Gerald understands the importance of a proper bow.
What’s a proper bow? The opposite of what Jeremy Corbyn did at the Cenotaph. That wasn’t a bow. It was barely a nod.
Did it anger Howarth? Yes. He called Corbyn “an embarrassment to his party” and “an embarrassment to our country” before adding that honouring Britain’s war dead requires “complete commitment”.
Complete commitment to bowing? Absolutely. If you approach the Cenotaph and don’t immediately slacken every muscle above your waist, so you flop over like a knackered deckchair and let your arms dangle ungraciously on the floor for no less than a full hour, you may as well go home and paint on a Hitler moustache.
Are we sure that Howarth isn’t just a crackpot Tory desperate for attention? Certain. Everything else he’s ever said has been bang on. He’s one of the MPs who threatened to boycott British Airways because a member of check-in staff couldn’t wear a cross over her uniform.
Right. And in 2014 he wrote a letter to a constituent suggesting that Enoch Powell had the right idea about multiculturalism.
Oh boy. And he once opposed the Marriage (Same Sex Couples) Bill, on the basis that “the aggressive homosexual community” would “see this as but a stepping stone to something even further”.
Something even further than marriage? Yes! Like a law where gay people are allowed to kiss each other on the mouth while you’re trying to eat your tea, or a law where all MPs who represent Aldershot are forced at gunpoint to be gay. It’s not unreasonable to expect that, you know. Gerald Howarth is brilliant.
You’re awfully pro-Howarth. Is the reason you can’t see him because … That’s right! It’s because I am Gerald Howarth! Now bow for me! Bow until your spine dislocates! You’d bow if you loved this country!
Do say: “Surely the media has more important things to write about than the angle of a man’s bow.”
Don’t say: “Like the funny way they eat bacon sandwiches? Remember that? LOL!!!”
