How deeply would Jeremy Corbyn need to bow to please Gerald Howarth MP?

The Aldershot MP called the Labour leader’s efforts on Remembrance Sunday an ‘embarrassment to our country’. If only all MPs could be as great as him …

Name: Gerald Howarth MP.

Age: 68.

Appearance: I don’t know.

Why don’t you know what Gerald Howarth looks like? I can’t see him. I’m too busy rubbing my forehead against the floor.

Why are you doing that? It’s what Gerald wants. Gerald understands the importance of a proper bow.

What’s a proper bow? The opposite of what Jeremy Corbyn did at the Cenotaph. That wasn’t a bow. It was barely a nod.

Did it anger Howarth? Yes. He called Corbyn “an embarrassment to his party” and “an embarrassment to our country” before adding that honouring Britain’s war dead requires “complete commitment”.

Complete commitment to bowing? Absolutely. If you approach the Cenotaph and don’t immediately slacken every muscle above your waist, so you flop over like a knackered deckchair and let your arms dangle ungraciously on the floor for no less than a full hour, you may as well go home and paint on a Hitler moustache.

Are we sure that Howarth isn’t just a crackpot Tory desperate for attention? Certain. Everything else he’s ever said has been bang on. He’s one of the MPs who threatened to boycott British Airways because a member of check-in staff couldn’t wear a cross over her uniform.

Right. And in 2014 he wrote a letter to a constituent suggesting that Enoch Powell had the right idea about multiculturalism.

Oh boy. And he once opposed the Marriage (Same Sex Couples) Bill, on the basis that “the aggressive homosexual community” would “see this as but a stepping stone to something even further”.

Something even further than marriage? Yes! Like a law where gay people are allowed to kiss each other on the mouth while you’re trying to eat your tea, or a law where all MPs who represent Aldershot are forced at gunpoint to be gay. It’s not unreasonable to expect that, you know. Gerald Howarth is brilliant.

You’re awfully pro-Howarth. Is the reason you can’t see him because … That’s right! It’s because I am Gerald Howarth! Now bow for me! Bow until your spine dislocates! You’d bow if you loved this country!

Do say: “Surely the media has more important things to write about than the angle of a man’s bow.”

Don’t say: “Like the funny way they eat bacon sandwiches? Remember that? LOL!!!”

The GuardianTramp

Related Content

Article image
Why are golfers against Jeremy Corbyn?
Golf stars including Ian Poulter and Lee Westwood have lashed out at the Labour leader over his stance on billionaires

04, Nov, 2019 @4:00 PM

Article image
What are ‘cyber physical systems’ and why does Jeremy Corbyn care?
Jargon-tweeting by the leader of the Labour party has left some people wondering if he has been talking about a new Kraftwerk album

22, Nov, 2016 @1:44 PM

Article image
Were ‘Stans’ the secret of the Corbyn surge?
The Labour leader is the only British politician to have wildly enthusiastic fans – but what do they have to do with Eminem?

09, Jun, 2017 @3:02 PM

Article image
Jeremy Hunt: the next Tory leader?

After a couple of tricky incidents involving NewsCorp and G4S, Hunt's career seemed doomed. But since he became health secretary, some in Westminster have predicted great things …

19, Feb, 2014 @2:58 PM

Article image
Has Corbyn been endorsed by the right half of UB40?
The famously divided band have offered to share a stage with the Labour leader at a press conference in London – and the irony has not been lost on anyone

06, Sep, 2016 @1:45 PM

Article image
Going into Labour: are parents really calling their children Corbyn?
More than 50% of parents would consider naming a newborn after the leader of the opposition, a survey claims. Strangely, there are no reports of a spike in Theresas, Dianes and Donalds

27, Jun, 2017 @1:26 PM

Article image
#softcoup: the plot to oust Corbyn (that might not really exist)
Last week McDonnell said there is, this week he says there isn’t – but some of the Labour leader’s supporters aren’t convinced

28, Feb, 2017 @2:50 PM

Article image
Theresa May’s ‘shared society’: magic policies that don’t need any money
Quick! Look over there at something that’s not Brexit!

09, Jan, 2017 @12:30 PM

Article image
Does Jeremy Hunt actually want to kill old people?
After the televised Tory leadership debate, the foreign secretary posted a confusing image online

17, Jun, 2019 @11:33 AM

Article image
Jeremy Corbyn criticised for not bowing deeply enough at Cenotaph
Labour leader under fire on Twitter for depth of his bow, while others say media are attempting to politicise Remembrance Sunday

Guardian staff

08, Nov, 2015 @12:37 PM