John Prescott: The trouble with Ed is that he's just a wee bit useless.
Labour party: Pots and kettles …
Maurice Glasman: I really, really like Ed. But he is useless.
The rest of Milidee's friends: We really like Ed, too. But he is totally useless.
Milidee: I'm going to go among the people to spread the Labour message.
Everyone: What's that?
Milidee: I'm not entirely sure.
Labour party: You were doing better when you were on holiday.
Cameron: Nothing is going to spoil my summer holiday …
Everyone: So we've noticed. You seem to be on your fourth already.
Cameron: Except my back. It's seized up. I've had to cancel my annual stag shoot and can hardly get out of bed.
Tory party treasurer: That's given me an idea. We could charge lobbyists a fortune at the Tory conference to come to your room. £100K to chat to you in the bath and £200k to join you in bed?
Clegg: I'll pay that. I haven't seen you for ages, Daddy.
Tory party: Run along, pint-size. You're history …
David Miranda: Is this the UK?
Border control: Not as far as you're concerned, terrorist scum.
Miranda: What are you on about?
Border control: You know very well. You're in league with that al-Qaida suspect Glenn Greenwald. Now hand over your PlayStation.
Everyone: This doesn't sound right …
Downing Street spokesperson: Calm down. Everyone's got their wires just a teeny-weeny bit crossed. Entre nous, Heathrow was acting on instructions from the US.
The US: Bollocks. We never said anything about detaining that commie.
Downing Street spokesperson: Is that you, Dave? It's all going tits up. You might need to do something.
Cameron: I am doing something. I'm having a cream tea. Get Theresa to sort it out.
May: I have it on the highest authority that every terror cell is planning to use Edward Snowden's revelations to blow up Britain.
Everyone: That sounds unlikely.
May: Well, it's true. Got it? Good. And Guardian – you can smash up all your computers.
Guardian: If you insist. You do realise we have all the data backed up elsewhere?
May: You're kidding? No one told me terrorism was so advanced. We're doomed. We're all doomed.
