Ed Miliband: really, really nice – but totally useless

Ed Miliband is in trouble, border control are on high alert and David Cameron is on holiday (again)

John Prescott: The trouble with Ed is that he's just a wee bit useless.

Labour party: Pots and kettles …

Maurice Glasman: I really, really like Ed. But he is useless.

The rest of Milidee's friends: We really like Ed, too. But he is totally useless.

Milidee: I'm going to go among the people to spread the Labour message.

Everyone: What's that?

Milidee: I'm not entirely sure.

Labour party: You were doing better when you were on holiday.

Cameron: Nothing is going to spoil my summer holiday …

Everyone: So we've noticed. You seem to be on your fourth already.

Cameron: Except my back. It's seized up. I've had to cancel my annual stag shoot and can hardly get out of bed.

Tory party treasurer: That's given me an idea. We could charge lobbyists a fortune at the Tory conference to come to your room. £100K to chat to you in the bath and £200k to join you in bed?

Clegg: I'll pay that. I haven't seen you for ages, Daddy.

Tory party: Run along, pint-size. You're history …

David Miranda: Is this the UK?

Border control: Not as far as you're concerned, terrorist scum.

Miranda: What are you on about?

Border control: You know very well. You're in league with that al-Qaida suspect Glenn Greenwald. Now hand over your PlayStation.

Everyone: This doesn't sound right …

Downing Street spokesperson: Calm down. Everyone's got their wires just a teeny-weeny bit crossed. Entre nous, Heathrow was acting on instructions from the US.

The US: Bollocks. We never said anything about detaining that commie.

Downing Street spokesperson: Is that you, Dave? It's all going tits up. You might need to do something.

Cameron: I am doing something. I'm having a cream tea. Get Theresa to sort it out.

May: I have it on the highest authority that every terror cell is planning to use Edward Snowden's revelations to blow up Britain.

Everyone: That sounds unlikely.

May: Well, it's true. Got it? Good. And Guardian – you can smash up all your computers.

Guardian: If you insist. You do realise we have all the data backed up elsewhere?

May: You're kidding? No one told me terrorism was so advanced. We're doomed. We're all doomed.


John Crace

The GuardianTramp

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