Name: Harry Styles.
Age: 23.
Appearance: The next David Bowie.
What? Really? No, of course not. That’s just something people said after hearing his debut solo single, before they realised it actually sounded like something Oasis left off Be Here Now for being too bloated.
What’s a better description, then? How about “man with guaranteed massive devoted fanbase until the very day he dies”?
Is that likely? Sure is. Listen, what’s the first thing boyband members usually do after the group breaks up?
Slag off their boyband? Correct! Think of Robbie Williams singing a punked-up version of Take That’s Back for Good on a motorised toilet, or Zayn Malik revealing he “wasn’t 100% behind [One Direction’s] music”.
Oh no. Has Harry said something awful about One Direction? Here’s the thing – he hasn’t. In fact, he has vigorously defended their fans.
Has he? Yep. In a Rolling Stone interview with Cameron Crowe, Harry was asked if he wanted to be credible to people other than young girls. He replied: “Who’s to say that young girls who like pop music – short for popular, right? – have worse musical taste than a 30-year-old hipster guy? That’s not up to you to say … How can you say young girls don’t get it? They’re our future. Our future doctors, lawyers, mothers, presidents, they kind of keep the world going.”
Blimey, well played. He’s even going for their mums. He describes his new single, Sign of the Times, as being about a difficult birth: “The mother is told: ‘The child is fine, but you’re not going to make it.’ The mother has five minutes to tell the child: ‘Go forth and conquer.’”
Wow. How does she do that? The lyrics include the lines: “Why are we always stuck and running from the bullets?” so you tell me.
She doesn’t think that running away from bullets is a good idea? I know. Running away from bullets is a brilliant idea. She sounds like a rubbish mum, to be honest.
What advice would you give your newborn child, then? “Always refer to women as future presidents in interviews.” Apparently, it works a treat.
Do say: “Harry Styles is going to be the smartest, biggest pop star on the planet.”
Don’t say: “Seriously, though, do try to run away from bullets wherever possible.”
