Dirrty or Disney: which Christina Aguilera are you?

With her new album Liberation on the way, it’s time to discover your inner Xtina, from her assless chaps era to her retro throwback persona and beyond

Hello, how the devil are you?

a) Well, I’m covered in lube and engine oil but, aside from that, pretty damn fantastic. Actually, maybe I am just a little bit … cold?

b) I’ve been better, tbh. I’ve been reading a lot of Edgar Allan Poe and it’s starting to freak me out. I’ll probably feel better after my insect taxidermy class, tho. Let’s talk again tomorrow. If the world hasn’t ended by then, of course.

c) Aw shucks, it doesn’t matter about how I am, it matters how our boys overseas are, fighting for the good name of America and looking darn dapper while they’re doing it! Go GIs!

d) Irrepressibly cheerful.

Who would be your dream collaborator?

a) Any American male rapper. But preferably one who’s mates with the Wu-Tang Clan and doesn’t mind hanging out in the Industrial Zone from the OG Crystal Maze while some very greasy half-naked people slink around looking confused.

b) Satan himself. Or, failing that, a supergroup made up of Neil Gaiman, the pale lass from Evanescence and Jacob Rees-Mogg.

c) The Andrews Sisters. I like my harmonies as close as my authentic vintage girdle and my lyrical innuendo as loaded as a Colt M1911 pistol!

d) One of my co-workers would probably do the job. Take your pick from relative unknowns Britney Spears, Justin Timberlake and Ryan Gosling.

What do you wear at home to relax?

a) Assless leather chaps and a smile.

b) Something super casual: tights nicked from Beetlejuice’s winter wardrobe; a Victorian undertaker’s cape five sizes two big; a Wonderbra two sizes too small; and some PVC boots from Torture Garden’s lost and found cupboard. Oh, and some giant silver pins to shove into my back. Like I said, suuuper casual.

c) Whatever Gwen Stefani left behind in her dressing room after recording Tragic Kingdom. Think pin-up girl at Peacocks, Rita Hayworth at River Island, Mae West by way of Miss Selfridge; a high-street honey with a season ticket to the BFI’s next film noir season.

d) Double denim and the kind of wholesome expression that suggests I have literally no idea how bizarre my life is set to become.

What does your nan make of your life decisions?

a) I won’t lie, Barbara is not happy with me at the moment.

b) She keeps on trying to cheer me up by taking me out for cake. I’ve tried to explain that life is pain and Nietzsche is my homeboy, but she just shakes her head and offers me another slice of Victoria sponge. Why does nobody get me? :(

c) Me and Nan are getting on better than ever! We go down to Mecca bingo twice a week and she’s introduced me to all her top-notch pals. They said I looked like a FANY, which I thought was a bit mean, but then they explained it to me and I’m cool with it. Shout out my main girl Beryl for teaching me how to fake a pair of stockings by staining my legs with gravy!

d) Pleased as punch. She gave me £5 last week; I said thanks and gave her a hug, but I’m basically worth more money than she’s ever seen in her lifetime, so the whole gesture was utterly pointless.

How best to solve Brexit?

a) Let’s take it into the ring: Theresa May on one side, Michel Barnier on the other. Chaps optional.

b) I’m all for charging blindly into the unknown. Mystery is my friend and mayhem is my lover. Brexit will also protect our indigenous moth species, so I’m well in. Or out, as the case may be.

c) Pardon?

d) I believe the healing power of song will bring us together again.

So, which Christina are you?

Mostly As


Holy moly, you are Dirrty-era Christina! You are a champion writher and inappropriate dresser, but we love you dearly.

Mostly Bs


Oh dear, you are goth moth Fighter-era Christina. U ok hun?

Mostly Cs


How neat! You are Candyman-era retro throwback Christina! You’re a swell belle with a strange fixation with the second world war, despite the fact it was an era of mass destruction, grief and hardship. Suppose the clothes were good, though.

Mostly Ds


Congrats! You are Mickey Mouse Club-era Christina! Run now and save yourself while you still have time.


Leonie Cooper

The GuardianTramp

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