Florrie, Calvin Harris, The Vaccines: this week’s new tracks rated and slated

In the Guide single reviews, no one is safe, especially that chancer Calvin Harris

PICK OF THE WEEK

Florrie
Too Young To Remember (Sony)

The track is frothier and cuter than a load of kittens bounding around a sweet shop, but the lyrics sound like Florrie’s on a really awkward date, one where she’s desperately scrambling to find some common ground. “Oh yeah, 1991,” she agrees. “Batman and Super Mario/ Nevermind playing all night long.” Under her breath, she repeats “I’m too young to remember/ I’m TOO YOUNG to remember”, while getting increasingly impatient. It’s a pity the song doesn’t end with, “and you’re clearly not six-foot tall and that photo you’re using on Tinder is at least 10 years old.” Uplifting, but it’s never entirely clear why.

Calvin Harris Feat Haim
Pray To God (Sony)

Ever wondered what Haim would sound like if they went EDM? Well, panic no more; you’ll be able to sleep again at night now that Calvin Harris is here with Pray To God. Soon every single musician on Earth will have their name written after the words “Calvin Harris Feat…” So, even if you’re not really into this 80s-tinged banger, just wait around a month or so for Calvin to roll another one off the conveyor belt.

The Vaccines
Handsome (Sony)

Oh good, the Vaccines are back. Safe enough to feature on breakfast radio, while edgy enough to headline festivals. Frantic enough to play at a student union indie night, but also accessible enough for your personal trainer to suggest you put it on your workout playlist. Handsome is the musical equivalent of New Balance trainers in 2015: fine for mums, but you’re also not going to get laughed out of the pub for being into them.

Flo Rida Feat Sage The Gemini & Lookas
GDFR (Atlantic)

If Flo Rida walked up to you at the bus stop and asked you to “bust it open/ let me see you get low”, and then threatened to make “bitches wetter than [Hurricane] Katrina”, you’d immediately call the police. But stick a sped-up sample of War’s Low Rider behind his misogynistic rantings and it’s shamefully catchy. Prepare to guiltily start doing that weird dance that you think is sexy, but actually looks like a bear itching its back against a tree. Get yo ass on dat floor, ladies! Also: sorry.

Rag N’ Bone Man
Bitter End (Best Laid Plans)

Sam Smith’s massive success has brought a lot of “blues” singers out of the woodwork, the kind whose soulful voices hide the fact that the biggest tragedy they’ve ever endured is losing their Oyster card when they’d just put £30 on it. Fortunately, Rag N’ Bone Man isn’t one of those. Bitter End is a tortured examination of the crumbling of a lifelong friendship, featuring lyrics like, “I can’t accept it’s over now/ I won’t let go”. It’s either about the end of a relationship or the end of Parks And Rec. But definitely sad, either way.

Contributor

Issy Sampson

The GuardianTramp

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