Hurts, Stooshe, Theme Park: this week's new tracks

Hurts | Stooshe | Theme Park | fun | Kult Country


Blind (Major Label Ltd/Sony)

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Blind is the musical opposite of foxes rutting (sounds horrific – is actually the sound of … love). It starts out as a ballad, then takes a turn so dark it could be an EastEnders Christmas plotline. Theo-from-Hurts looks terribly nice, like he'd open doors for you, buy your mum flowers and rub fake tan on your bum without moaning. But actually, he's requesting we CUT HIS EYES OUT OF HIS HEAD. That's right: MAKE HIM BLIND. This has all gone a bit Fifty Shades Of Grey for us, babe. See ya.

Slip (Warner)

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"Why did you let it slip/ Give me that TLC", sing Stooshe, unwisely reminding us of their cover of TLC's Waterfalls, which was so bad Lisa 'Left Eye' Lopez almost rose from the grave and set their houses on fire. The song's about someone who used to like the members of Stooshe, then slowly lost interest in them, letting things slip, not checking in on them, no longer caring … Oh. Hang on. Is this how we're all making you feel, Stooshe? Maybe you shouldn't have covered Waterfalls, then.

Theme Park
Ghosts (Transgressive)

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Theme Park all resemble the kind of fresh-faced work experience boy who'll patiently explain why your computer has made Word suddenly look all weird, while you smell his freshly laundered (by his mum) T-shirt and remind yourself he only looks that attractive because he's 19 and hasn't been ground down by the harsh realities of life yet. The song sounds like something you'd listen to played from a phone in a park in summer; you ask said work experience boy, "Oh, is this Friendly Fires? No, hang on, is the band name something to do with water? Or, er, camps?" then leave, humiliated, back to your 30s: a life full of Jamie Cullum and box sets and wine that doesn't come from a newsagent.

All Alone (Fueled By Ramen/Atlantic)

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The fifth single taken from the fun album is like an in-joke that's run on so long no one can remember how it started (it was Glee; it's always Glee to blame for these kind of things). All Alone's lyrics sound like the rambling story an emotional, overtired drunk would slur at a taxi driver; one who'll only reply, "Vomit in the back and it's £40, mate." "No one's gonna fix me when I'm broke/ How do you cry with inanimate eyes?" singer Jack Antonoff honks, completely oblivious to the ironic LOLs because, in real life, he resembles a plastic wind-up toy, just like the one he's banging on about. Expect to hear its electronic wailings on the closing credits of Girls soon.

Kult Country
Slowburn / Amongst The Dead Forever (Sways)

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So dark and mumbly and slow and fuzzy, this will be the only music that plays on the sole radio station left when the zombie apocalypse happens and we're all hiding in bunkers or back rooms of shopping centres. Well, this or Flo Rida.


Issy Sampson

The GuardianTramp

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