Pet Shop Boys
Leaving (Parlophone)
The last time Pet Shop Boys emerged was during the Olympic opening ceremony. Surrounded by people in pointy orange hats, they looked as if they were commanding an army of Jaffa Cake Ku Klux Klan-style knights. Now they're back with new music, and Leaving is a pleasant, ambient track, with dark lyrics ("our love is dead, but the dead are here to stay"). Orchestral and grand, like the sad climax of a film. This one's a keeper.
Gossip
Get A Job (Columbia)
Gossip haven't really done anything of note since their one big hit in 2006, so only the baby Jesus knows why they're still being carted around. Perhaps the novelty of Beth Ditto getting half naked and sweating profusely on stage like she's an extra in One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest is still something people are into. Get A Job is, as you'd expect, nothing out of the ordinary, and certainly not something that will save them from the chasm of obscurity.
Lawson
Standing In The Dark (Polydor)
This sounds like it was made by an Agent in The Matrix in an attempt to tap into "human feelings". It has all the hallmarks of a teen-girl fan-magnet: good-looking bunch of lads with guitars that aren't plugged in, screeching Tumblr poetry to a stadium of weeping adolescents. You can tell from the opening four bars how the rest of the song is going to sound, but really, don't bother going beyond that.
Marina And The Diamonds
How To Be A Heartbreaker (679/Atlantic)
Apparently the video for this tune was pushed back so the arcane wizards in the editing suites could make the already good-looking Marina look better, because we all know that if you have the wrong amount of skin cells on display you might as well be the lovechild of post-op Jocelyn Wildenstein and a forest fire. But her catchy "la-la-la-love you" line is sure to be belted out by Pinot-swilling ladies and gentleman across the UK regardless, so it really doesn't matter.
Michel Teló
Ai Se Eu Te Pego (Pantanal/RGE)
This track is essentially the reason why Europeans and South Americans can't be trusted with anything pop-related. It's had nigh-on 500 million views on YouTube, which is how many retweets Justin Bieber gets for saying "Good morning", and it comes courtesy of Michel Teló, a Brazilian musician who thinks it's OK to put accordions in his songs. Let me tell you something Michel: accordions have no place in popular music. It's an antiquated instrument that makes all music sound like a jingle for Romanian local radio, and that is exactly what Ai Se Eu Te Pego has ended up resembling. It's No 1 in pretty much everywhere but here and America, where the people are normal and right-thinking, and can't speak Portuguese. God save the Queen and all that.
