Stock, Aitken and Waterman: now that's what I call music 2012!

Stock, Aitken and Waterman's finest are back for a summer Hyde Park concert. Peter Robinson imagines how his perfect pop day out might unfold

Producer Pete Waterman is billing his Hit Factory Live concert in Hyde Park this July as a "once-in-a-lifetime spectacular", celebrating 250m single sales of his, Stock and Aitken's tunes. Which is all very well, but it has to go exactly like this.

3pm The gates open to the sight of a helpful Sinitta inside the arena, frantically Blu-Tacking "CANCELLED" banners over all photographs of Sonia.

3.05pm As Big Fun take to the stage for a hits medley, a furious Sonia is spotted running around pulling down "CANCELLED" banners.

3.06pm Big Fun hits medley draws to an undignified close.

4.15pm In the spirit of "those who do not learn from pop fiascos are doomed to repeat them", it is time for a medley by less celebrated artistes: WWF Super-stars, Josh Dubovie, the Fat Slags. Each act arrives on and leaves the stage to the sound of precisely no applause.

4.45pm Confusion reigns at merchandise stall when it emerges that all Steps booty is priced at £56.78.

5pm Pete Burns performs You Spin Me Round (Like a Record) five times in a row, and leaves the stage.

5.20pm Sabrina bounces around the stage to Boys (Summertime Love). This is followed by Samantha Fox performing a sensitive acoustic version of Touch Me (I Want Your Body), which segues into a performance by Mandy Smith – now in her 20s – of I Can't Wait, the song Stock Aitken & Waterman gave her in the 80s, amid tabloid speculation regarding her eyebrow-raising relationship with Bill Wyman.

5.35pm Mike Stock appears on stage to complain about how sexualised pop is these days.

6pm Another medley. Jason Donovan's Especially for You (with Kylie) and Princess's Say I'm Your Number One are well-received; Ferry Aid bring the mood down a bit.

6.25pm A surprise appearance from Judas Priest, whose legendary SAW material was never released and has not been heard by human ears for over two decades. It is, as it turns out, a right old racket.

7pm The non-stop amazeathon of Bananarama performing WOW! from start to finish.

7.45pm Sonia does her best, shrugs and leaves.

8pm Donovan, the Reynolds Girls, and Brother Beyond attempt the Band Aid 2 version of Do They Know It's Christmas? Carl from Brother Beyond's Cliff Richard impression is, sadly, a disaster.

8.30pm The lights dim. There is drumming in the distance; dry ice engulfs the stage. The sound of drums begins to intensify. Images of Hazell Dean flash up on the screen. Strobes flash. The music intensifies. There is an explosion: Hazell Dean is suddenly on stage! As she walks towards the mic stand, 100,000 people go berserk. But suddenly, Rick Astley abseils onto the stage, boots Dean into a waiting skip then belts out Never Gonna Give You Up. Hyde Park has been the victim of the world's most elaborate Rickroll.

8.40pm Rick Astley blows the roof off with a post-dubstep glitchcore version of Ruddy Big Pig.

8.45pm Astley has moved on to Hold Me in Your Arms.

9pm While anticipation builds for the headliners, Waterman trundles on stage atop a miniature steam train, pulls up at a DJ booth and embarks on a set of Northern Soul, disco and R&B, most of which he has attempted – occasionally accurately – to take credit for.

9.25pm Stock and Aitken join Pete for a performance of Roadblock.

9.30pm Steps arrive on stage. The light drizzle that began when Astley started on the ballads turns into a downpour, providing live re-creation of the thunderstorm sound effects that open One for Sorrow, Steps's The Winner Takes It All homage and humankind's greatest artistic achievement (1995-1999, subsection pop).

10.30pm The Steps encore: the band are joined by other acts to perform signature hits, climaxing with Kim Appleby's strangely moving Don't Worry.

11.02pm Having argued at the front gate for precisely eight hours and two minutes, Daniel from One True Voice finally accepts that he is not, and has never been, "on the list".

Contributor

Peter Robinson

The GuardianTramp

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