Pass notes No 2,971: Elvis Presley

Has the King of Rock'n'Roll finally lost his iconic status? Yes, if American parents are anything to go by

Age: 76, if you ignore that death business.

Appearance: "Suggestive and vulgar, tinged with the kind of animalism that should be confined to bordellos," according to New York's Daily News.

I knew it! He's alive, that grave in Graceland is empty and the King of Rock'n'Roll is working as a short-order cook in Des Moines. He's not.

As a campaign manager for the Lib Dems? That neither.

Let me have one last go. A guy in the chippy swears he's Elvis. He's a liar. Elvis is as dead as he's ever been.

Interesting choice of words. If he hasn't resurfaced, why are we talking about him? Because he's no longer an American icon.

Says who? Millions of sexually active Americans.

You've spoken to every one of them? No, but I have seen a report from the Social Security Administration, which tracks the names they give their babies. For the first time since 1954, Elvis isn't in the top 1,000.

He must be devastated. He's dead, remember. But if he wasn't . . .

Aha! He might console himself with the thought that "Presley" is still there in 274th place.

Knowing those Americans, it's probably a girl's name. What are they calling their kids? For boys the top five are Jacob, Ethan, Michael, Jayden, William and Binladen; for girls, Isabella, Sophia, Emma, Olivia, Ava and Middleton.

I make that six of each but only a genius could point out the fakes. Are there any interesting up-and-comers? By "interesting" do you mean "pretentious and/or aspirational, in a way that panders to European preconceptions"?

Mais naturellement. Then for girls I give you Nevaeh, at number 25. That's Heaven spelled backwards, of course.

Of course. Did "Elvis" mean anything? "All wise", if you're an ancient Scandinavian.

Which øf cøurse I åm. And the hot new boys' names? Armani at 488, and Bentley at 101. They mean something too.

Do tell. "My parents are idiots."

Do say: "Elvis has left the birth certificate."

Don't say: "That's a blight, Mama."

The GuardianTramp

Related Content

Article image
Pass notes No 2,976: Azerbaijan
The new Eurovision champions could host new year's event – but questions are being asked about its record on gay rights

16, May, 2011 @7:00 PM

Article image
Pass notes, No 3,206: BFD
This is the abbreviation that Barack Obama used to refer to his healthcare reforms

08, Jul, 2012 @7:00 PM

Article image
Pass notes No 3,185: Amercia

Republican nominee for the White House, Mitt Romney, made a good start to the run-in by launching an 'I'm with Mitt' iPhone app in which America was misspelt

30, May, 2012 @12:33 PM

Article image
Pass notes No: 3,008: Cursive
Why 'real' writing is being written off in US schools

12, Jul, 2011 @7:00 PM

Article image
Pass notes No 2,975: Chalaque
Shhhh, you're about to read some top secret information about President Obama's visit to Britain

15, May, 2011 @6:59 PM

Article image
Pass notes, No 3,115: Brooklyn

Some residents of the New York borough are to heat their houses with their own poo

29, Jan, 2012 @8:00 PM

Article image
Pass notes No 3,214: One Direction
The boy band spawned by The X Factor have attracted some negative attention in the US because one of their members is a Muslim. Happily, their Twitter followers are more supportive

22, Jul, 2012 @7:00 PM

Article image
Pass notes No 3,043: Jackie Kennedy
Interviews she gave after JFK's assassination are now in print – and she's less than flattering towards visitors to the White House

13, Sep, 2011 @7:30 PM

Article image
Pass notes No 3,228: Paul Ryan
Mitt Romney's choice as his vice-presidential running mate has delighted the Republican right. So what is it about Ryan's ultra-draconian proposals that so appeals to them?

13, Aug, 2012 @7:00 PM

Article image
Magna Carta – pass notes No 3,255
David Cameron stumbled on David Letterman's show when asked about the Magna Carta. Of course, we all know what it means, don't we?

27, Sep, 2012 @12:18 PM