Cher Lloyd
Swagger Jagger (Syco)
Music exec: Ciao. We've got to come up with a chart-topping tune for that girl who didn't win X Factor once.
Minion: Sorry boss – you're going to have to be more specific. That's most of the country.
Music exec: The one that looks like a photofit of Cheryl Cole based on an unreliable description.
Minion: Oh yeah, she did that rapping thing, right?
Music exec: Bingo. So I want you to completely rip off Gwen Stefani, but for a bit of a spin, let's go for a proper old-school tune for the chorus.
Minion: Ooo! How about … Oh My Darling Clementine?
Music exec: Great. Let's break America. I'm off to Nobu.
Chicane
Going Deep (Modena)
I'd imagine this sounds wicked pumping out of the soundsystem of a pimped-up Vauxhall Nova while waiting at a red light in Basingstoke city centre. I really don't know much about this "genre", but – having accidentally listened to Radio 1 of a Friday night once – I was waiting for a shout out from "Debbie and the girls getting ready for a bangin' night out at Elemental nightclub, Woking!" I'm sure this is probably some sort of "summer anthem" in the making though, so good luck to them.
Mona
Shooting The Moon (Island/Zion)
This song is probably best enjoyed at a festival. It's the sort of song where the band stops playing, and the lead singer holds out his mic and the crowd all sing the chorus: "I am, I am, I am/Shooting the moon". It's a pretty crummy lyric, but that doesn't matter when you're pissed on cider and you've forgotten where your tent is. I'd bet £50 on this band featuring on the soundtrack for The Fast And The Furious 6.
The Pains Of Being Pure At Heart
The Body (PIAS)
I liked this! Hurrah! I'm not a horrible person who just pisses all over all these people's hard work and talent! The Body sounded a bit like quite of lots of songs that I like: Joy Division, the Cure, even a bit of the Lightning Seeds. It's like having my iPod on Shuffle and squeezing it together to make one song – a playlist smoothie. But it is worth noting, it takes as much to time to say the name of this band as it does to say its bloody acronym.
Noah And The Whale
Life Is Life (Mercury/Young and Lost)
Is it OK for me to say I'm not that into this? I know I'm supposed to, because I'm exactly the right demographic (30, wear a retro leather satchel, own iPad), but this track is pretty boring. Like the B-side of an A-side that you know cos it was used on a mobile phone advert.
Toddla T Feat Roots Manuva
Watch Me Dance (Ninja Tune)
Tuuuuuunnnnnneeeeee (I'm trying to claw back my word count).
