PICK OF THE WEEK
Lady Gaga
Bad Romance (Universal)
Baroness von Sparkytits has spent most of 2009 working on that reverse backlash, bringing haters around to the philosophy of Gaga. Bad Romance, one of the best singles released this year, is preaching from the books of Performance Art, Knickers-as-Trousers and Vampiric Mutant Europop (verse 13, chapter 7). It's brilliant, unless you've never known joy. In which case just focus on the gothy bits while you mope around, grumpo, because there really is something for everyone.
La Roux
Quicksand (Polydor)
While the economy is burning, some glossy fashion magazines are busy fiddling to the tune of "chiconomising", which is a way of pretending to pander to what's going on in the world but doing exactly the same as always, ie selling crotchless T-shirts for £600. Quicksand is pure chiconomics, recycling not just a single from 2008 but the video, too. And not to go on about Lady Gaga, but she's managed to accidentally make and release a whole new album since then, so Quicksand is obviously very good and everything, but maybe it's worth just having a think about that work ethic.
Dizzee Rascal
Dirtee Cash (Dirtee Stank)
Speaking of lazy pop stars, Dizzee Rascal is here to rap about how bad it is that everyone wants to be rich and famous, which, of course, rings hollow when it comes from somebody who's rich and famous. "Truthfully, it's like a joke," warns Dizzee, over a Stevie V sample, "like a bad episode of Hollyoaks." But if it really was like a bad episode of Hollyoaks then he'd be rapping about the imaginary alter ego of a schizophrenic teenager, psychotic lesbians and fake anorexia. All of which would probably be better than telling people that credit cards are a bit wrong.
Penguin Prison
Animal Animal (Neon Gold)
In the olden days, you used to be able to buy personalised seven-inch records for children's parties that slipped the first name of the birthday boy or girl into the chorus. It's a genuine surprise to discover that Animal Animal sounds spookily similar to Side A of Rebecca's Party Songs, bought in Skegness in 1990, but with added washed-out electro breeziness. Penguin Prison is a New York producer type so Skegness is probably not where he found his inspiration. Still, uncanny.
Timbaland
Morning After Dark (Interscope)
Oh Timbo, loving you is a hard and thankless feat of endurance. Did you peak too soon? Selflessly use up all your production genius on others and keep nothing back for yourself? Forget that using babies as percussion is what you're good at, not tedious plodders that should be reported for serious Autotune abuse? Morning After Dark – it's about going out to clubs and being a wily old dog – already sounds so dated that he might as well have used a harpsichord and put Nelly Furtado and SoShy in bonnets and bustles. Kind sir, please desist: it is offending our delicate ear trumpets.
