Kids up and down the country are tuning in to Radio 1 and scratching their heads. What's that weird, long piano section doing at the end of Muse's new Bohemian Rhapsody-esque single, United States of Eurasia. Isn't that (whisper it) . . . classical music? Being played on the nation's favourite youth station? That's right, kids, it's Chopin's Nocturne in E-flat major, Op 9 No 2 to be precise. So now, for all you puzzled young 'uns out there, here's how to get in to that classical music vibe . . .
How do you listen?
What you need to do is close the curtains, take your clothes off, lie face down with your teeth sunk deep into the carpet. Then get your butler to sprinkle your buttocks with rose petals and put on the 16-plus hours of Wagner's operatic tetralogy, The Ring, before he retreats, locking the door on you, until the bloody ordeal is over. Not really: what you need is peace, quiet and concentration.
What am I supposed to be listening for?
Radio 3 helps here. It offers two great entry points to classical music. On Discovering Music (Sunday teatime), leading conductors take you passage by passage through a whole work, explaining what the composer was trying to achieve and what you might enjoy. In Building a Library (Saturday mornings), a critic anatomises different recordings of the same work in a manner that switches between the hilariously pernickety and the genuinely instructive – you can even download it as a weekly podcast.
What should I avoid?
For the time being, avoid anything labelled Salford Toccata by Harrison Birtwistle, explosante fixe . . . by Pierre Boulez, Helikopter-Streichquartett by Karlheinz Stockhausen. Stuff by Alban Berg, Arnold Schoenberg and Olivier Messiaen might well have you calling 999 and shouting hysterically "Fire in the pet shop! Fire in the pet shop!"
What should I try?
Download Thomas Tallis's Spem in Alium and, if you have functioning ears, prepare to weep. It is a 10-plus minute, 40-part motet written in the late 16th century: a wall of sound more overwhelming than anything in Phil Spector's philosophy.
Liked that. Now what?
David Mellor is, as we know, wrong about everything, but the name of his Classic FM show, "If you liked that, you'll like this", is helpful here. If you liked the Chopin on Muse's single, then listen to some more Chopin music – say Martha Argerich's 1965 concert of his sonatas, mazurkas and nocturnes. Or try the andantino from Schubert's sonata in A – it's what Isaiah Berlin insisted be played at his funeral. If you like Roy Orbison, Terence Trent d'Arby or – though you really shouldn't – James Morrison, then you might well like lieder. Lieder is German for songs – helpfully as short as anything on Chris Moyles's playlist, but more heartfelt than anything that comes from his mouth. Try some lieder cycles: Schubert's Winterreise or Schumann's Dichterliebe will shatter your heart. If you like Kraftwerk, you'll probably dig minimalist music: try Steve Reich's Music for 18 Musicians or his Different Trains.
Any chance I've heard any of this classical stuff before?
Remember Torvill and Dean hurling each other across the ice? Perhaps you weren't even a twinkle in your dad's eye then, but if you were, you might enjoy realising that that stuff they were skating to was Ravel's Bolero and you'd get a kick listening to it properly. And then there was Wagner's Ride of the Valkyries used when Robert Duvall napalmed Vietnam.
Symphonies – they go on and freaking on. Help me over this experiential hump.
Don't try (yet) the forbiddingly sculptured hours of Bruckner's symphonies. Plump instead for Beethoven. You'll know the opening to his fifth ("Da-Da-Da-Dah") but stick around for its second movement which, if you have heartstrings, will pluck them mercilessly. If you don't find the first movement of his sixth the perfect accompaniment to a summer walk in the country, then look into my eyes as I give you the frowning of a lifetime. For those of you whose attention spans have been ruined by daytime telly, Haydn symphonies (try his No 94th, the so-called"Surprise") are often obligingly short.
Five downloads to getyou started
Schubert: the Trout Quintet
Bach: Brandenburg Concertos
Mozart: Clarinet Concerto
Beethoven: Symphony No 9
Puccini: Madame Butterfly
