Akon assaulted by pretzel, flavour as yet unknown

Also in today's digest: more on the interminable Spice Girls reunion saga; and why aren't Britney's children in more photos?

You're all dying to hear the latest on Akon's testosterone-fuelled stage antics, we know, so here it is. "Given the information that we have reviewed to date, it does not appear to us that Akon was involved in any criminal conduct whatsoever". That's the statement released by Akon's attorney, Benjamin Brafman, referring to the now well-documented incident which saw the singer throw a 15-year-old boy into a crowd at a recent NY gig.

"We are prepared to fully co-operate with any law enforcement agency that may be investigating this incident. We are confident that after a thorough investigation it will be apparent that no criminal prosecution of Akon is warranted."

While this may soon be filed in the "Well he would say that, wouldn't he?" department, there are no charges against the singer. There are developments elsewhere in the story however. These developments are as follows: the condition of the boy involved in the WWF style hurl (his identity has still not been released) is thought to be ok. Also it appears that the previously unidentified object he threw at Akon was... a pretzel. MTV reports that, following the incident, the boy's mother contacted police, who investigated. It seems the pretzel-thrower, much like Akon no doubt, just wants the whole thing to go away quietly. Hey kid, it could have been worse. You could have been a 15-year-old girl on stage with Akon...

Despite the fact that most people living in the UK would rate a dinner date with Robert Kilroy Silk as preferable to witnessing the reunion of the Spice Girls, the tabloids remain deeply committed, to an almost maniacal degree, to keeping us updated on whether such an aurally objectionable feat will occur. The problem is, no one in the know, erm, seems to know. The Sun's Vicky Newton, usually a human RSS feed connected to the portal of Spice Girl news (and Goths), quotes Mel C as saying: "Nothing has been agreed for definite, but a reunion will happen when the time is right." Turn to the pages of the Mirror's 3am team,and apparently that time is right now. "Victoria Beckham has admitted that she found singing for the Spice Girls reunion tracks truly terrifying." So is Posh recording new Spice Girls material without Mel C? is she not invited? Oh my god, scandal! Sorry, we're even boring ourselves here...

When she's not parasailing down the side of Beckingham palace shouting "are you gonna do a tour then Posh!?" , it's well known that Vicky's main concern is for the welfare of Britney Spears. Newton claims she'd almost forgotten the singer had two kids, because: "While we constantly see pictures of the scantily-clad singer's new slimmer figure, her children are rarely in sight." Which must be a sign of parental irresponsibility. Especially as we all know the under-threes just love the soothing effect of a 1000 paparazzo shoving cameras in their little faces, permanently searing their little retinas for life.


Rosie Swash

The GuardianTramp

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