Is this it: Malcolm Middleton

All women are evil, touring is bad and we're all going to die - Christmas No 1 contender and miserablist Malcolm Middleton gets into the festive spirit!

Do they know it's Christmas?

I certainly do! If I hear Christmas No 1, miserablist, X Factor, William Hill, Crazy Frog, Facebook, outsider, or anything resembling any of those things ever again... then I'm going to go mental. But don't spend money on tat this year for friends and family who probably don't want it anyway. Sponsor a human. Do something nice, then you can sit back and really gloat. And then get fat again come January.

What becomes of the broken hearted?

They get over it. Time heals. If you're heartbroken then it wasn't love, love wouldn't do that. No matter how bad you think it is, it isn't. It wasn't. Relationships are supposed to be friction. You don't need anyone, have a laugh, just enjoy things. As a human you are already a complete person, love yourself! Go out and buy yourself a drink, take yourself to the cinema. Or do what I did when I got dumped for the first time when I was 15, drown your sorrows in a six pack of cheesy Wotsits and write bad poetry. All women are evil. Or is that just teen goths from Falkirk?

Where's your head at?

Obviously in a negative place today! I've no idea where all this stuff comes from, it's not like me, I think I'm under psychic attack. I want a holiday, I want a rest, I want to do something worthwhile, not just sing moany songs about poor me to poor you. My head needs a break. Can I go back to a previous save point? "It's better to travel than to arrive." Well, whoever said that didn't tour Britain in the middle of winter in a small van sponsored by Ginsters and Travelodge.

Is there something I should know?

You're going to die alone. When the moment comes you'd better be ready. Even if you're with your loved ones, it's only you who will have to stand by your life and all of your actions and defend them to yourself. Or maybe not, but is it worth the risk? I think Noel Gallagher said it best: be here now. Or you should know that there are no answers, only crazy humans making stuff up. Grab yourself a torch, go out into the dark, and find stuff out. Or at least try.

What have I done to deserve this?

Exactly, same thought here, me too. Why do I seem to go through life feeling guilty all the time? I haven't done anything and I'm not even Catholic. Issues...

Who do you think you are?

The disintegrating shadow of someone who wanted to be a better person. The result of damaged teen years and the early switching on of consciousness, combined with the late blossoming of thought and intelligence. Someone who's given up but still pretends to fight because that is "better" failure. Someone whose family values have been lifted from some of the more poignant episodes of The Simpsons. An unhealthy, overweight balding guy who's swallowed an infant, a child, a teenager and an angry confused young man. All of which are all still trying to sit in the driver's seat of this cool fleshy robot monster.

How many roads must a man walk down?

All of them. But these days it's probably better to take a bus or a taxi.


You miss out on the scenery but get "there" a lot quicker.

Is this it?

Probably. Christmas is dead and we've probably only got a couple left anyway, so let's make this one count! Sorry.

· We're All Going To Die is out now.

The GuardianTramp

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