Press review: The tabloid week

Press review: Is Jordan, the surgically enhanced glamour model, stringing the hapless pop failure Peter Andre along with promises of affection? Or is it true love?

Is she or isn't she? And if you don't know who "she" is, where have you been all week? Not watching I'm a Celebrity ... Get Me Out of Here!, obviously.

Is Jordan, the surgically enhanced glamour model, stringing the hapless pop failure Peter Andre along with promises of affection? Or is it true love? Is she a feminist icon, as some writers in the broadsheets have claimed, or a tough-as-nails trouper who will do anything to win? Such questions have preoccupied the tabs - and a whole lot of the rest of us, if we only had the nerve to admit it - all week.

One person who seems to fear the affection between Jordan and Andre is genuine is the model's boyfriend, Scott Sullivan. As the Daily Mirror reported, he "flew in to Oz furious at her on-screen petting". And what form has this petting been taking? Let us turn to Thursday's Daily Star: "Jungle hunk Peter Andre's little 'acorn' turned into a mighty oak ... as he finally got between the sheets with Jordan. The glamour girl had joked about his manhood on I'm A Celebrity. But he made a big impression as he secretly slipped into her bed." Phwoar, or what, reader?

But what of Jordan herself? The tabloid columnists sneered at the notion that Jordan might be a role model. "In truth, the issues of women's lib don't touch Jordan," said Sue Carroll in the Mirror. "She's never had her consciousness raised, just her boobs ... Ask her if she advocates women's rights, she'll say yes - and their lefts are OK, too."

The Sun's Jane Moore took a similar view: "Sure, she fearlessly ate a few bugs. But Jordan is still a woman who trades on her fake breasts, who seems hell-bent on revenge against those she feels have slighted her in lust, and who only seems to find validation in men salivating over her - hence her baiting of the hapless, clueless and God-is-he-tuneless Peter Andre. So can we please cut all the claptrap about her being an empowering feminist icon?"

Jordan took a sort of revenge against someone on Saturday, telling her fellow contestants a tale she promised would feature in her forthcoming autobiography. The problem for the papers was that they could not hear the name of the guilty party, only that he was a footballer.

The News of the World confidently named Frank Lampard. But as the Mirror pointed out, "Jordan talked about the star's wife 'hating me' - and the Chelsea midfielder is single." The Mirror also vouchsafed that "sources close to Teddy Sheringham also rubbished claims that it could be him." And David Beckham threatened to sue if Jordan said he had ever had an affair with her. "I only met her once and that was with my wife," he was quoted in the Sun as saying.

Oh, the course of true love never runs smooth. As Peter Andre would perhaps do well to remember.

Contributor

Michael Hann

The GuardianTramp

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