Age: Watch it, you!
Appearance: I said, watch it, you!
Well, that was helpful. Who are the Madonna generation, then? Presumably the people who grew up adoring La Ciccone in her Material Girl days, stuck with her through the Sex book years, looked on bemused at her transformation into mockney-wrangling circus strongman and now can barely view her without being paralysed by a veritable maelstrom of emotions good and bad? No.
OK, who then? They are the 50- to 64-year-old female demographic identified by the Chartered Institute of Personnel and Development (CIPD) as faring best, employment-wise, in the current chilly economic climate.
Really? That sounds dull. Au contraire. It is rather surprising and – depending on your age and gender, of course – rather uplifting.
Papa, don't preach! I thought women were faring especially badly under the coalition cuts? Only if you take everything into account. When it comes to work, at this age, they're doing better than men. The number of 50-plussers in work has gone up by 200,000 (or 6.2%) in the past three years, while male employment has risen by just 3,000.
Blimey. But I bet they're still crying "Rescue Me!" in the public sector. Actually, it seems that female employment in that sector has risen by 0.1%, while male has fallen by 0.4%.
Hang on, I keep hearing that female unemployment is the highest it's been since 1987. 1.12m, isn't it? Are you using girl maths or something? Express Yourself more clearly. Your figures are correct, but the Office of National Statistics says this is due to more women seeking – and not finding work – than women losing their jobs.
Ah, Jesuitical maths. So how are these Madonna-ladies pulling it off? They can't all be becoming pop superstars with amazing arms. The CIPD suggests that an ageing population and a lack of desire or financial ability to retire, plus women's greater adaptive ability (men who have lost jobs in the building and manufacturing sectors have less transferable skills) have given them the edge.
So, good and bad news, then? It's the best we can hope for these days. Cherish it.
Do say: "Hurrah – demi-centenarians are in Vogue!"
Don't say: "Why aren't they the 'Twiggy generation'? Will this US cultural cringe never end? It's Borderline embarrassing."