Name: Sickly houseplants.
Age: Slightly too old.
Appearance: Beyond depressing.
You’re telling me. I’ve got a rotundiflora in my kitchen that is absolutely on its last legs. Bin it.
What? Bin it. Get rid of it. Pick it up, take it outside and dropkick it over your neighbour’s fence. Do it in the name of science.
That seems unnecessarily cruel. It’s a living thing. Yes, but it’s a living thing that is bumming you the hell out. Did you buy it to be bummed out?
No, I bought it to add a calming presence to my home. Let me guess: for a while, it was your pride and joy. But then you stopped watering it, or you watered it too much, or you kept it in the wrong place, and now you’re left with a miserable, limp, yellowing stump of a thing.
Yes, exactly that. So get rid of it. The Royal Horticultural Society compels you.
On what basis? On the basis of new research with the University of Reading, published in the Building and Environment journal. It concludes that lush, thick, healthy houseplants can help to improve people’s wellbeing.
Well, duh. To such an extent, in fact, that employers have started filling their offices with plants as a way of encouraging workers back to the office.
Nice try. Anyway, the flipside is that sickly plants can actually spike our stress levels.
Why? Because they look depressing and unhealthy, that’s why. Oh, and they make you think you’re breathing filthy air, too.
They do? Yes – just as a wonderful healthy green plant looks as if it boosts the quality of oxygen in a room, your listless-looking twig in a pot might be a sign of poor air quality.
Is it? No, of course not. Studies have long shown that houseplants don’t do very much to offset built-up carbon dioxide levels. In actuality, your rubbish plant is just a sign that – brace yourself – you are crap at looking after plants.
That’s because houseplants are hard to look after. No, they’re not. They even come with labels telling you how to take care of them.
Fine. Tell me what “well-watered” means. Be specific. Use a specific quantity of water to give it. Oh, um, well …
Does it mean “spray it with water twice a week” or “douse it in several pints of water a day”? OK, well, listen …
You don’t know the answer, do you? You’re bad at looking after plants as well! Oh, of course I am. Everyone is bad at looking after houseplants. They are God’s way of reminding us that we cannot handle the slightest sliver of responsibility.
What a bummer. Death is inevitable.
Do say: “Sickly houseplants can negatively affect our mental health.”
Don’t say: “Just like *gestures vaguely at everything else in the world*.”
