This year's tax self assessment has shown me some home truths | Coco Khan

The memories of what I’d spent money on in those Covid-free days come pouring into my mind like a cool glass of water, and I am parched

There are many stages to my yearly self-assessment taxes ritual. First, denial: I tell myself it’s not a big job and can be completed in days. Then anger sets in, usually at myself for believing that. Then comes bargaining. I plead to anyone with a vague understanding of numbers: “Please, Excel-competent friend, save me from adding up a year’s individual bus fares only to lose track and start over.” I mope around the flat, clutching receipts, hoping my boyfriend (an economics graduate) might leap to the rescue.

“Studying postwar macroeconomic theory is not the same as adding up how much you spent in Pret,” he’ll eventually say (and I remember I’d rather he didn’t know). Finally, acceptance.

But this year there is a new stage: joy. I am filing for the financial year April 2019 to April 2020 – a mostly Covid-free period. Now my bank statements take on new significance, as a historical artefact of a life once mine. “£2.79 McDonald’s” means I bought a Happy Meal after drinks. “£9 Uber” means I visited my best friend’s place. The memories come pouring into my mind like a cool glass of water, and I am parched.

It’s certainly a nice change from the usual lingering feeling of shame. Seeing my socialising itemised, I often resolve to be less wasteful. But such purchases look different after a year of lockdowns. Wine with colleagues; queueing with my sister for a Cronut; booking some friends into a trampolining venue, only to find it’s for toddlers: these are not wastes. Their memories are an asset that give me strength to carry on and keep me close to those I love. An Isa could never do that.

And so I tell myself not to self-flagellate about spending, and recognise the value of experiences with loved ones. Maybe in the future my taxes won’t be so taxing after all.

Contributor

Coco Khan

The GuardianTramp

Related Content

Article image
Am I having a life crisis – or is this just life? | Coco Khan
In recent weeks I’ve found myself frustrated, directionless, intensely nostalgic – and staring into the fridge

Coco Khan

11, Dec, 2020 @2:00 PM

Article image
Can a shaman cure my insomnia | Coco Khan
I always rejected my mother’s ideas of chakras and balance. But on holiday in Bali, I saw a sign: healing this way

Coco Khan

06, Mar, 2020 @2:00 PM

Article image
I’m bracing myself for some adult orthodontics | Coco Khan
As someone who loves to wear a face mask, this is a great time to take my dentist’s advice and get my crooked smile fixed

Coco Khan

06, Aug, 2021 @1:00 PM

Article image
I'm on the phone to Nando's, begging them to deliver | Coco Khan
Needs are a funny thing – and right now, my need for poultry trumps my need to never speak to anyone on the phone

Coco Khan

15, Feb, 2019 @2:00 PM

Article image
Dental surgery taught me about the wisdom of silence | Coco Khan
With my battered mouth swollen and sore, I had difficulty speaking so I started to listen

Coco Khan

18, Dec, 2020 @2:00 PM

Article image
I'm all for positive thinking, but my brave face is starting to slip | Coco Khan
Seven months into lockdown, it’s impossible to trick the mind into thinking things aren’t rubbish when they patently are

Coco Khan

23, Oct, 2020 @1:00 PM

Article image
Gratitude's great – until my inner cynic kicks in | Coco Khan
Being grateful is not as simple as people make out. Sometimes it takes work, patience – even imagination

Coco Khan

20, Nov, 2020 @2:00 PM

Article image
What’s the best hangover cure for the morning after an election? | Coco Khan
Whether you’re recovering from a festive night out or a stressful vote, what’s needed is a reliable pick-me-up

Coco Khan

06, Dec, 2019 @2:00 PM

Article image
Sticking to a new routine has always eluded me. My nemesis is ‘little and often’ | Coco Khan
Whether it’s finding 20 minutes to exercise each day or 30 to tend to DIY, all my attempts are eventually replaced with scrolling through Netflix

Coco Khan

02, Apr, 2021 @1:00 PM

Article image
My new year's resolution is to regret nothing, not even regret itself | Coco Khan
Isn’t a resolution a prime example of how something life-affirming can be built from recognising opportunities lost or missteps taken?

Coco Khan

01, Jan, 2021 @2:00 PM