I started dating my boyfriend seven months ago, and it has been amazing. I love him, he makes me laugh, he is so kind to me – but we still haven’t mastered the bedroom. When we first got together, he couldn’t maintain an erection to have penetrative sex. This upset him, and I stopped trying to initiate sex because it just wasn’t a pleasant experience. He has since ordered Viagra, and we have been able to have sex, but for a while it felt as if he was calling the shots. He wouldn’t tell me when he was taking one, and would just spring the erection on me. I told him how I felt, and now he asks me if he should take one – or I ask him to take one.
But I still struggle with the fact I can’t just have sex with him – it has to be planned. We’re young and healthy, so it is definitely a mental thing. I’m the first girl he has slept with where there’s an actual emotional connection.
When we do have sex, it’s good – but it doesn’t have that spontaneous jump-on-me-and-throw-me-into-bed vibe, and I just feel unfulfilled. I never initiate it because I’m a bit scarred from when he couldn’t stay hard.
Since sex is a learned experience, it is not easy or spontaneous for many people. Movies and TV shows often depict spontaneous sex, so it is easy to get the impression that it’s the norm in relationships. But there are many important reasons why sex may need to be planned during a couple’s life together – to fit in around work, children or live-in parents. People living with pain or disability have to plan sex for times when they have maximum benefit from pain-alleviating treatments.
It’s very early days in your relationship, and he is just learning how his body works in the context of a partner – so try to be patient. You are learning important skills, too, and it will all pay off. But your desire for spontaneous sex is at odds with your complaint that he is calling the shots by springing sex on you. Decide what you really want, and, after he gains more confidence, gently ask for it – which could certainly be achieved with the use of medication to support his erections.
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see gu.com/letters-terms.
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