My husband was a sperm donor. Now the mother is making demands

The adults here seem to have made a mess of the situation by failing to set clear boundaries, says Annalisa Barbieri

Some years ago, my husband donated sperm to a good friend. We went through an IVF clinic and have a signed agreement that stipulates he is not responsible, financially or emotionally, for the recipient or the child. His name is not on the birth certificate.

At the time of donation, our friend rejected an offer from another couple, because they wanted to be involved in the parenting, something our friend did not want. She went with our offer, as we said we would have as little or as much to do with the child as they wanted.

Over the years, we have seen our friend and the child regularly. All the children, including ours, are aware of the relationship. To our astonishment, our friend has turned out to be the most extreme tiger/helicopter parent – every second of every day has to revolve around the child’s wellbeing, almost to the exclusion of everything else.

In the past year, our friend has been pushing quietly for my husband to have a larger role in the child’s life. The child now calls him “Dad” and has sent him Father’s Day cards, while the mother has asked my husband to attend a school event. Given her style of parenting, we think she has decided the child needs a father and is pushing for this. We are concerned about the expectations she has and may be building within the child. It is making us feel very uncomfortable, because we do not want my husband to be the child’s father. How do we manage this relationship without the child feeling rejected?

I wonder when “we would have as little or as much to do with the child as they wanted” changed? You signed all the forms, which means – according to the UK’s Human Fertilisation and Embryology Authority – the donor has “no legal rights or responsibilities to children conceived from [their] donation. [Donors] have no say over [a child’s] upbringing and won’t be required to pay anything towards their care”. It was clear-cut at that point. When and why did it stop being so? Whose decision was it? What was your husband ever going to be to this child, given that all the children are “aware” of the relationship and that you all see each other regularly?

At the heart of this are the children – your own and the child conceived by sperm donation.They must all be your priority. The adults here seem to have made a mess of the situation by failing to set clear boundaries. You don’t want your husband to be the child’s father, but he seems to be – both biologically and circumstantially. What was the agreement about what he would be called, or did you not discuss it? If I am confused, I wonder how the children feel.

I consulted the psychotherapist Maureen Anderson, who was also worried for the children. “As far as the child is concerned, your husband is the dad: he/she has made cards and doesn’t understand about artificial insemination. You’ve broken a lot of boundaries right from the beginning. This confusion has come about because things have not been kept separate.”

Anderson suggested that you, your friend and your husband seek mediation to work out what happens next. “You all need to really listen to one another to find the best resolution. You need to work out what’s going on between the adults, because there is conflict, confusion and collusion; you need to look at what is the least damaging [way forward] for the child.”

I strongly suggest you enlist the help of a professional – preferably a child therapist who can help mediate and give you the space to explain what you will and won’t do and, from there, reach an agreement. All of this needs to be done in a safe place, away from the child.

You can’t go back and change things, so you have to move forward, having redrawn the boundaries. It may be that you have to concede on some things for the good of the child.

You must set some parameters and find a way to explain them to the child/children. But neither Anderson nor I could see a way for you to explain to the child that your husband is no longer their dad, given what has happened – not without really causing problems and making the child think they did something wrong. Children always think it is their fault, so be careful.

Every week Annalisa Barbieri addresses a family-related problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa on a family matter, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see gu.com/letters-terms.

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Annalisa Barbieri

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