If I see one more piece on Glastonbury chic or bumbags I'll literally EXPLODE

How Samantha Cameron might have reacted to the comment by Iron Maiden's Bruce Dickinson that the music festival has become too middle-class

Well actually we have something in common with Iron Maiden? Because we are probably the only people in the whole universe except Iron Maiden, plus nans, obvs, who who are not packing for Glasto :((( I said to Alexa I swear if I see one more piece on festival chic or bumbags yes or no – I mean kind of if you need to ASK – I will literally EXPLODE she was like, personally I swear by air-drying your hair from March onwards, strictly no product so it gets totes Pilton acclimatised, she can be quite insensitive like that?

Dave is like, tbh babes even if Govey was locked up we could not go, I'm like but *klaxon* DOLLY PARTON, METALWORK, KARDASHIAN all our favourite bands !!!! he's like, soz babes, are you not forgetting Jean-Claude Juncker? I'm like wow what stage is he on is he indie or what, Dave is like no, he is an arch federalist, I'm like so if you were the sorting hat what house would he be in, he's like Slytherin, obvs, I'm like OK so just block him on Twitter, or, like, tell everybody he is this majorly rancid old loser who drinks too much, with an office that totally smells of FEET, then everybody will hate him and we can go to Glasto?

So Dave goes OMG babes, genius – let me call Craig, OK Craig got a pencil? Well borrow Danny's, now tell the Times that Juncker is this totes depraved war criminal with a museum full of SS memorabilia, no of course there is no evidence, visitors never return, but on moonless nights they say you can hear babies screaming as the Junckermeister tosses them over the ramparts, why do you think the population of Luxembourg is so tiny plus he is SO rude, once when he was drunk he threatened to punch a woman in the throat – REALLY? God hilair typical Fabricant – OK, scrub that, once when he was drunk someone saw him drink from a finger bowl & even his closest friends admit that he twerks in his office, IDS is right, he has totally stuck three fingers up to democracy.

Then Dave is like, srsly, babes, I think you may have won the next election? I'm like NOOOOO!

Contributor

As seen by Catherine Bennett

The GuardianTramp

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