I enjoy sex with my girlfriend but can’t ejaculate during sex. We have had sex six times and no matter how much I try I still can’t. Does my masturbation habit cause this?
There are a number of possible reasons for this relatively common complaint. First, certain medications can lead to orgasmic problems, so if you’re taking anything, check out the side-effects. Sometimes men who can’t ejaculate are considered “studs” by their partners because they last a long time, but this actually makes such men feel like work-horses and they can become frustrated and resentful – does this ring any bells? Do you really always enjoy sex with your girlfriend? I wonder if, while thrusting, you’re actually sufficiently aroused to reach orgasm?
Your frequency of masturbation is probably not an issue; however, men who’ve become accustomed to self-pleasuring in a particularly rough way eg using high friction with a towel, sometimes have difficulty climaxing during intercourse, because no vagina feels like that.
Seek help from a sex therapist who can make suggestions that are particular to you and could also provide treatment if your difficulty is based on something else, such as fear or anxiety.
Finally, instead of worrying about climaxing, concentrate on giving and receiving pleasure; then nature is more likely to take its course.
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online and in print. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see gu.com/letters-terms.
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