It was always going to be a momentous Strictly Come Dancing final, and not just because Britain’s very own end-of-pier Fred Astaire, head judge and all-round score-bellowing legend (“SEVERRRN!”), Len Goodman, was leaving the show.
This was a momentous series in many ways, not least due to the phenomenon of former Shadow Chancellor, Ed Balls. At one point tipped to win, Balls clung to his unexpected popularity like a famished baby monkey to a teat, until finally he was flung off the show the week after Blackpool, where he’d jived to “Great Balls of Fire” (Did you see what they did there?).
In Blackpool, Ed rather overdid the gurning: at one point looking as shocked as if he’d espied Tony Blair, wriggling suggestively towards him on the dancefloor, a rose clamped between his teeth. It also can’t have helped that Balls was dancing in a way that looked as though all the important bones and muscles had taken the night off from his body.
So it was goodbye to Ed, though viewers did see him again in the final, group-dancing with the other 2016 contestants, and reprising his now-legendary Gangnam Style routine in a manner that cried out for urgent medical attention, and raised great existential questions (can a man’s hips be made of Lego?), but in a fun way.
The final was, as always, introduced by Tess Daly (Northern Lights Goddess), and Claudia Winkleman (Uber-Kohl-ed Goth-Baby), and judged by Goodman, Darcey Bussell, Craig Revel (“Fab-u-lous!”) Horwood and Bruno Tonioli, who graced the panel in their inimitable styles, like a cross between a depleted lineup for the Last Supper and the crammed dressing room of a provincial repertory production of Hello Dolly.
However, the night belonged to the finalists, singer turned presenter Louise Redknapp and her partner Kevin Clifton; actor Danny Mac and his partner Oti Mabuse; and presenter Ore Oduba and his partner (and Kevin’s sister) Joanne Clifton. While some might have perceived Oduba’s presence as helping (at least in part) to soothe the ongoing row about how black contestants get voted off more easily on Strictly, frankly, it was blindingly obvious that he was only there because he was so diabolically good.
Soon, it was time for the three finalists to strut through three dances, the first one selected by the judges. Gene Kelly’s widow, Patricia, turned up to applaud Ore’s Singin’ in the Rain, Louise once again donned the foxy Flashdance leg warmers for the chachacha, and Danny executed a quickstep that was so quick, fire extinguishers must have been at the ready in case his inner thighs caught fire.
So far so good, nobody had dislocated their shoulders, or choked on a runaway spangle, and if the floor was getting a bit slippery from the vats of fake tan melting beneath the lights, then this was nothing the finalists couldn’t handle, as they launched into their show-dances. All of which were brilliant – Ore and Joanne bringing chic Hollywood glamour, Louise and Kevin elegance and romance, and Danny and Oti, excitement and drama.
Then it was time for the finalists’ own personal favourite dances from the series. In this last group, Redknapp’s Argentine tango was all street lamps, slashed satin and a segment towards the end where she was dragged along on her toes by Kevin – which looked a little as though he was nicking a particularly ravishing rolled-up rug, but these are what classic Strictly moments are made of.
Then it was time for Ore to jive, kicking and flicking so incredibly fast that I was worried he was going to shatter his pelvis, and take Bruno’s eyes out.
After that, there came Danny’s ferocious samba – Danny sporting his winning shirt-not-done-up look, grinding away like a Ken doll on heat.
While the exhausted finalists paddled their way back through the small lakes of fake tan to their dressing rooms, there ensued a fair amount of Strictly-schmaltz as Goodman was given an emotional send-off, complete with a standing ovation, and the professional dancers delivering a truly magical routine that at one point looked as though all the tiny, pirouetting ballerinas had escaped from their jewellery boxes for the evening.
After that, all the non-finalist Strictly contestants lined up to bitch and carp about why it was all their professional partners’ fault that they’d not done better, how their feet were still oozing blood and blisters, and how they wished their good-for-nothing agents had never talked them into doing it.
Of course, none of that last bit actually happened. I just really wish that something like that would happen (just one year, just for the hell of it). In reality, as usual, everyone gushed and sobbed about what a wonderful time they’d had in the “Strictly family”, and how they’d never wanted it to end.
However, it had to end, and it did so with the announcement of Ore Oduba as the worthy winner, not least for the way he and Joanne Clifton risked life, limb, and the rest of their lives on hospital trolleys, jumping from one sparkly platform to another during their showdance.
What a winner, what a final, what a series. And the best thing is that it will never truly be over. As Ed Balls is going to find out: this kind of golden footage never dies – it just ends up on clip shows.
- This article was corrected on 18 December 2016 to amend an incorrect date.