LOVE LIVE THE KING
The Fiver was disappointed that Eric Cantona didn’t follow up his monologue about immortality at yesterday’s Big Cup draw by rolling back the years and jumping into the audience to flatten an audience member with a kung-fu kick. Obviously violence is wrong, but there’s no denying that it would have been a talking point if Cantona had finished his speech and reprised his Selhurst Park acrobatics from 24 years ago. A baffled Cristiano Ronaldo would never have seen it coming. Lionel Messi was also asking for it, sitting there with a dumbfounded look on his face, though in fairness the Barcelona forward’s been wearing that expression ever since falling foul of Andy Robertson at Anfield last season. Anyway, it’s all moot. Turns out that time has mellowed Cantona, who turned up for Uefa’s big shebang dressed in a manner best described as Fiverwear.
Perhaps the scruffy outfit explains why the Frenchman didn’t get an invite to today’s draw for the Euro Vase group stage. Disappointing. After all his old side Manchester United are in the competition this year, but their representative was Denis Irwin, who just looked a bit confused as they were drawn in a group with Astana, AZ Alkmaar and Partizan Belgrade. Maybe the former United full-back was thinking about his old teammate noting that: “Soon the science will not only be able to slow down the ageing of the cells, soon the science will fix the cells to the state and so we will become eternal. Only accidents, crimes, wars, will still kill us but unfortunately, crimes, wars, will multiply. I love football. Thank you.”
Proof that some things never end can be seen in United failing to insert an obligation to buy in Alexis Sánchez’s loan to Inter. Not that Ole Gunnar Solskjær will be happy to see the Chilean back at Old Trafford next summer. “Alexis needed to go – at the moment we know he’s been here for 18 months and it’s not really worked out for him,” Solskjær sniffed before tomorrow’s trip to Southampton.
Sánchez’s exit leaves United reliant on inexperienced saplings Mason Greenwood, Tahith Chong and Dan James to provide back-up for Marcus Rashford and Anthony Martial up front. If Cantona is proven right, then the trio won’t have to worry about getting old soon, but Solskjær could do with them growing up quickly. After all, anyone who has had to watch this United side every week probably won’t be too keen on living forever.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I can’t see [a woman managing a men’s English professional team] in my lifetime. I think society isn’t even ready for it let alone football and football is behind society. I can’t see it because I think you would have to be 10 times as good and if you lost a game it would be because you were a woman and not because you hadn’t got your game-plan right or that your goalkeeper has made an error. I don’t think women are seen in society as equal yet so until women in society are seen as equal we are never going to be able to do that” – Casey Stoney, Manchester United Women manager.
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FIVER LETTERS
“Eternal youth, King Lear, and a Peaky Blinders cap? Eric Cantona might not be the gift that keeps on giving, but he’s certainly the little red card the postie slips through the door to say he’s popped your gift in the recycle bin. Why Eric’s even nailed that difficult-to-cultivate Zak Dingle from Emmerdale look. It’s time to put sardines on the Woolpack’s lunch menu” – Mark McFadden.
“Now that Bury’s sad demise has been confirmed, which one of the 72 dots will be removed from the EFL logo?” – James Vortkamp-Tong.
“Re Ceri Rees’ letter, the Road Runner does indeed say ‘Meep Meep.’ It’s the little Nash Rambler that goes ‘Beep Beep’” – Bernie Clifton.
“Re: what the Roadrunner says (Fivers passim), I remember hearing that Ajax fans would shout ‘Meep Meep!’ whenever Marc Overmars went on one of his rapid runs upfield. I always hoped it would catch on when he came to Highbury, but instead we coined a bog standard chant based on his name. Ridiculously, this always left me feeling like we’d missed out on an important opportunity” – David Madden.
“In the absence of those useful semi-colons that often feature, I couldn’t work out whether “Fiver (Fiver Towers)” had made the latest England squad as a striker or a midfielder, being situated as it was in the list between Harry Kane and some other not-Harry-Kane England extra. I wondered whether you saw yourself as more of a false 9, false 10, false 8, false 4 etc etc you get where I’m going with this. Please could you clarify?” – Stuart Robinson.
“I’ve figured it out … each section’s in alphabetical order; you’re top of the striker list: as you were (I still miss the semi-colons)” – Stuart Robinson.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Stuart Robinson.
BITS AND BOBS
Manchester United will be racking up the air miles after the Euro Vase group stage draw handed them trips to Azebaijan’s Astana, Partizan Belgrade and AZ Alkmaar in Holland. For the full draw, including the groups for Arsenal, Wolves, Rangers and Celtic, click here.
Jürgen Klopp has said Bobby Duncan does have a future at Liverpool. “We need to do the right things, all the different parties, and everything will be fine,” The German sighed.
Hurrah for Uefa! They have cracked down on away ticket prices in Europe.
Ole Gunnar Solskjær has said he trusts Marcus Rashford, Anthony Martial and Mason Greenwood to be Manchester United’s centre-forwards after the departure of Alexis Sánchez to Inter. “Alexis needed to go – at the moment we know he’s been here for 18 months and it’s not really worked out for him,” understated Solskjær.
Pep Guardiola has admitted being a “little bit surprised” at Kyle Walker being left out of the England squad. “I was little bit surprised at first,” he Pepped.
Jonjo Shelvey nearly joined West Ham this summer before Newcastle blocked the move. “I was close to leaving but the club said no,” he sobbed.
STILL WANT MORE?
Lucy Bronze: humble, relentless and now the best player in Europe, writes Suzanne Wrack, after England and Lyon left-back was given the Uefa women’s player of the year award.
10 PREMIER LEAGUE THINGS TO LOOK OUT FOR? 10 PREMIER LEAGUE THINGS TO LOOK OUT FOR!
Oh, Javi Gracia! Jacob Steinberg has more.
Nick Ames has done you this handy group-by-group guide to the Champions League this season, and thrown in some predictions to boot, so you can take him to task in a few months’ time.
Tyrone Mings has been called up to the England squad, and Stuart James is here to explain why.
Rumours, get ya rumours!
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