The club
What heaven sounds like
"They've had a good afternoon. Here they are looking for number five. Philip Albert... Ooooooh! Absolutely glorious!"
v Manchester United, 1996
Then and now
1893: Formed from the union of Newcastle West End and Newcastle East End, their first home League match at St James' brings in gate receipts of about 40 pence. 2008: generating that sort of income every split second from vol au vent sales in the Platinum Suite alone.
The credit cruncher
Mike Ashley. Rated as the 54th richest man in Britain with a personal fortune of £1.4bn. The sportswear magnate was once described as "Britain's answer to Howard Hughes", yet now seems happy to wobble his enormous tummy in front of thousands of total strangers.
Their prospects
Despite his vast fortune and fondness for the Toon Army Ashley has been reluctant to invest heavily in the squad and has imposed a wage cap, with the result that the team is short of depth. Much will depend on the fitness of Michael Owen and Mark Viduka - hardly a reassuring sentence given their histories.
Mission for Doctor Who
Bring back Hughie Gallagher. The Scottish forward whose goals and mercurial skill led Toon to their last League title back in 1927. Combination of brilliance, belligerence (after one game he once pushed the ref into a bath) and drinking would delight fans and headline writers alike.
See the ground on Google Earth
Search "St James' Park" to see the fabulous if lopsided stadium, from the air appearing a fusion of two different grounds.
The players
International game
St James' Park is truly cosmopolitan with a rich mix of South Americans, Europeans and Africans plus an Australian and a Canadian. None speaks with such an impenetrable accent as Terry McDermott, however.
Fab enough for Fabio
Guthrie. This neat and busy midfielder would surely make an ideal stand-in for Gareth Barry.
Breaking through
Kazenga LuaLua. Teenage forward from the Congo whose older brother Lomana used to delight the Tyneside public with his acrobatic goal celebrations. Kazenga is fast and tricky and should get a chance to show off his tumbling skills a bit this season.
Newcastle's got talent
Geremi has claimed that if he wasn't a footballer he'd like to be a private detective. Since moving to St James' Park he certainly seems to have perfected the art of moving around so stealthily nobody notices him.
Who'll give 110%
Shay Given. Top-class Irish goalkeeper and loyal club servant who has done an admirable job disguising the Mags' defensive frailties for over a decade. Thousands of Geordie bairns have been named in his honour.
Who'll give 1,000%
Joey Barton. The player who is to the anger management industry what sweat is to deodorant.
Story of the summer
Ashley insists that in future the players must pay for their club suits ... Keegan asks for more transfer funds ... Barton talks to his lawyers.
The manager
Kevin Keegan
Here are your best bits
Reviving Newcastle when they were near the bottom of the Second Division; almost winning the Premier League; signing Alan Shearer; England's first competitive win over Germany for 34 years in 2000.
His tactics board says
"Score one more than them. Entertain. Pray Shay has good game."
His Post-It notes say
"Find out what Dennis Wise does" ... "Buy eccentric South American striker" ... "Take deep breaths before post-match interviews"
New face
Danny Guthrie
from Liverpool, undisclosed
Described by Kevin Keegan as 'a mix between Paul Bracewell and Rob Lee'. The Shropshire lad is a box-to-box midfielder fighting with Joey Barton for a place. Not, literally, of course. 'Pocket general' status beckons.
Last season
Points per game
v top four 0.13
v the rest 1.40
FA Cup 4th round
Carling Cup 3rd round
League discipline Y59 R1
Top scorer Owen 11
Fair play league 15th
In this dog-eat-dog league they're...
A Border Collie
A breed that used to be associated with shearers, but is now frequently made available to more cosmopolitan owners. Instantly recognisable because of its black and white coat, which it can be seen in whatever the season.
