Dame Judi Dench’s interview in the new issue of Vogue is a lovely thing, touching on everything from her early career in the theatre to her thoughts on the outbreak. But that isn’t why you’ll read it. No, you’ll read it to witness Dame Judi Dench struggle to describe her Cats costume. She has several attempts at it. She looked like “a battered, mangy old cat,” she said. Like “a great big orange bruiser”. Her cloak alone looked like “five foxes fucking on my back”. You sense that Judi Dench isn’t necessarily the biggest fan of Cats.
Dench’s comments are a welcome inclusion to my favourite form of 2020 entertainment; the stars of Cats reacting to Cats. Because you can tell a lot about a person by how they respond to their participation in what is destined to be an eternal punchline. Do they stand by the director? Do they remain professional and rise above the baffled din? Or do they give up all pretence of dignity and, like Dench, slag it off just as hard as everyone else?
For fun, I have unearthed some quotes by the stars of Cats, varying from outright horror to brave professionalism. Your job is to guess who is responsible for each of them, and your prize is getting to remember that Cats exists.
“I was overwhelmed with joy when I saw it”
Taylor Swift
Ian McKellen
Ray Winstone
“I had a really great time working on that weird-ass movie”
Rebel Wilson
Idris Elba
Taylor Swift
“It's … a story about inclusivity and coming together, which will be really powerful and relevant for people right now”
James Corden
Jennifer Hudson
Jason Derulo
“It's an incredible piece of art done by some of the best people in the world”
Francesca Hayward
Idris Elba
Jason Derulo
"I haven’t seen it. I've heard it's terrible”
Taylor Swift
Ian McKellen
James Corden
“The black [dress] is for a funeral I just went to, for the feature film Cats."
Rebel Wilson
Jennifer Hudson
Francesca Hayward
“[The reaction] never upset me. We all share a sense of humour about it”
James Corden
Francesca Hayward
Idris Elba
“They CGI’d [my] dick out”
Idris Elba
Jason Derulo
James Corden
“I didn’t read anything about the response to it, nor have I seen it, and I’ve only seen a picture of myself”
Taylor Swift
Ray Winstone
Dame Judi Dench
“There are plenty of people who love cats and plenty of people who love dancing and plenty people who love Judi Dench and Taylor Swift and the rest of the cast. [The critics] got it wrong and they’ll be proved wrong. This is an absolute classic, I think."
Jennifer Hudson
Taylor Swift
Ian McKellen
Solutions
1:B, 2:C, 3:B, 4:C, 5:C, 6:A, 7:B, 8:B, 9:C, 10:C
Scores
10 and above.
That's greeeeeeat! You're one top cat!
9 and above.
Heaviside Layer here you come!
8 and above.
You're a definitely a Jellicle! And you definitely know what a Jellicle is!
7 and above.
Pretty good! Have a shot of the Rum Tum Tugger!
6 and above.
You've clawed back some dignity. And look, a new day has begun.
5 and above.
Not great. Try dreaming of the old days, life was beautiful then.
4 and above.
Not great. Maybe one day you'll understand what happiness is.
3 and above.
Well, I never! Was there ever a cat so clever as Magical Mr Mistoffelees? Not you, though.
2 and above.
Old Deuteronomy wouldn't give you a second glance.
1 and above.
Terrible. Now you're all alone with your memory of your days in the sun.
0 and above.
Has the moon lost her memory? Even if she had, she wouldn't do as badly as that.
