Precious Cargo review – Bruce Willis phones it in for crass caper

A straight-to-video nightmare is all that’s on offer here. Mark-Paul Gosselaar and Bruce Willis star in a cheap-and-cheerless action thriller that contrives to be unexciting, unfunny and crass. Gosselaar is Jack, a supercool tough guy and heist specialist with a heart of gold, in love with a veterinarian he’s cutely trying to impress by showing up at her clinic with a dog borrowed from one of his fellow criminals. Jack is lured into stealing diamonds by his ex, played by the haughty and leonine Claire Forlani, who in turn wishes ill on a certain Mr Big, in which role Bruce Willis smirkingly phones in his standard-issue performance. The production budget has been spent on a series of big, loud and very, very boring explosions, and there is a mind-blowingly uninteresting speedboat chase scene that culminates in a bad guy getting knocked off his jet ski by a gun thrown by the adorable vet. But implausibility is the least of this film’s problems.