How Prince Charles plans to sterilise the nation’s squirrels – with Nutella

More than 3.5m of the invasive rodents live in Britain, and their presence is harming the welfare of their native red cousins. Luckily, HRH has a cunning plan to reduce their numbers

Name: Grey squirrels.

Age: First introduced to the UK in the 1870s.

Arch-enemy: HRH Prince Charles.

Are you sure? I thought Charles was arch-enemies with Donald Trump. Well, yes, but he hates squirrels, too. He must just really have a thing about American interlopers with titchy hands.

Why does he hate squirrels so much? Because there are just so many of them.

There are? Oh god, yes. There are approximately 3.5m of them in the UK at the moment. They’re an infestation.

And what’s wrong with that? They aren’t British, are they? Red squirrels are British. Red squirrels have a stiff upper lip. Red squirrels cry at the national anthem. Red squirrels have a fundamental understanding of decent British values. Not like these invading greys.

Bloody hell, all right Farage. More importantly, grey squirrels carry the squirrelpox virus, which is causing the number of reds to dwindle. And this is where Prince Charles comes in.

Is he going to eat all the grey squirrels? Even better. He’s going to sterilise them!

Really? Is he going to start climbing up trees and perform squirrel vasectomies? It’s much smarter than that. He has backed plans to conceal oral contraceptives inside Nutella hidden around the country’s forests.

Really, though, what’s he going to do? No, that’s actually the plan. You hide the contraception in Nutella, put it inside a trap that only squirrels can fit through, then watch in delight as they stop being able to have kids.

This all sounds a bit Children of Men to me. Well, yes, but the argument is basically that we have to either gradually decrease the number of grey squirrels by humanely limiting their ability to reproduce, or we go around the country smacking them with the back of a shovel.

Well, fine. This is the least awful option. Yes, it is. If everything goes according to plan, then the contraceptives will be introduced five years from now. Four years after that, we will have reduced the grey squirrel population by two-thirds, and the red squirrel will be able to mount a gloriously patriotic comeback. God save the Queen!

Did you vote for Brexit, by any chance? You lost! Get over it!

Do say: “Well, that’s me gone off Nutella for a bit.”


Pass notes

The GuardianTramp

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