The Breaking Bad poster
You watched every single episode of the show on illegal streaming sites because you couldn’t wait to watch it on UK telly 24 hours later. You call your male friends “bitch” as bants but secretly worry that you’ll accidentally refer to a girl that way and get a misogynist rep in halls. Or is it sexist not to call them bitch? You reckon you could definitely try crystal meth and not get addicted.
The Nirvana poster
The old favourite that keeps on giving. You see yourself as a misunderstood outsider. In reality, you’re a middle-class sociology student who thinks quoting song lyrics will help get you laid. Your mates from back home in Surrey roast you on the group WhatsApp for dressing like you’re wearing “your dad’s gardening clothes” because two years ago, you were spending the profits of your weekend job in Costa Coffee at Hollister.
The photo collage
Panicked about going off to uni and missing your squad from college, you went to Boots and printed off a load of photos – well, the ones in which you look thin and hot in at least – and arranged them in a cute collage that takes pride of place on your wall in halls. At the centre is an adorable selfie of you and your bae, who’s staying back in Cheshire to work in Currys and save up for your engagement ring. You will cheat on them by the middle of the first term.
The scratch-off map
Did you mention that time on your gap year that you met these amazing local women who wove hemp into hareem trousers in Bolivia? Well, you say “met”, but you sort of heard about them from the Australian white-water rafting instructor you pulled in La Paz, and he wouldn’t lie to you, would he? Well, until you Facebooked him to tell him about the chlamydia, and he said it definitely wasn’t him, then blocked you. You’re also constantly having to make up stories about going to Papua New Guinea because you scratched it off the map thinking it was New Zealand.
The Le Chat Noir poster
You thought you’d be the only person with this framed print when you packed it into your mum’s Ford Galaxy and made the long journey from Lowestoft to Exeter Uni, but now you’ve spotted six in your halls alone. Your Instagram feed is meticulously curated and you’ve already burned through half of your student loan by drinking decent Rioja instead of cheap cider on nights out because it matches your “Alexa Chung meets Breakfast At Tiffanys” aesthetic.
