My dad got dial-up internet in 2005 and it rocked my world. No longer would I have to spend my afternoons doing normal kid things, I could now spend quality time with my cool, very age-appropriate internet boyfriends in the dark shadows of the world wide webs. Not only that, but the era of viral videos was on the come up and I was there for the ride.
I have been shaped by the internet, I have grown beside the internet. It feels like a disgusting and very smart sibling, who I have a love/hate relationship with. I was asked to curate a list of my top 10 internet favourites and these are the first 10 that came to mind … I hope you enjoy them.
1. Snoop Dogg and Paris Hilton rap together
My favourite celebrity collab! I love when two worlds collide to create something that makes you wonder, “Should this have been created?” Sweet P and the D-O Double G-Y!
2. Fabio and the goose incident
I have a complicated relationship with birds. That’s something that Fabio and I have in common, as well as being graceful blondes with immaculate physiques. Fabio had a traumatic run-in with a goose in 1999, during a ride on a rollercoaster, surrounded by beautiful women.
Something that I love about this video is that we never see the incident itself take place, only the aftermath. Goose blood smeared across his face, he keeps his composure as the beautiful women ask him if he’s OK. Fabio refers to the event as “a miracle, but not a freak accident” and warns that it will happen again, even calling for the rollercoaster to be shut down. (Definitely not because he’s a little bit embarrassed.) A true man of the people.
3. Kim Cattrall scatting
I love when someone starts passionately scatting with reckless abandon to the twang of a lover’s upright bass. Kim Cattrall is the scatter in question? Say less!
4. Recess Therapy
Recess Therapy is an Instagram account that interviews kids in New York City about various topics. I’m not a huge fan of kids generally, but I love these kids a lot. Here’s a clip from my favourite episode. If I could birth a kid half as funny as Kiki I might think about having a kid.
5. Let there be a thousand blossoms bloom
The 2017 marriage equality plebiscite is up there with one of the most ridiculous things the Australian government ever decided was an alright idea – but out of it we got this completely unhinged clip of Bob Katter that I can quote word for word to this day. I don’t have much in common with Katter but we do share the belief that a thousand blossoms should be able to bloom.
6. Kermit sings Once in a Lifetime by Talking Heads
One of my favourite songs, covered by my favourite frog.
7. Reductress
This is one of the funniest pages on Instagram. I almost exclusively communicate with my friends through these images. They always hit right. To call them memes would be a disservice – it’s the unwell gals’ favourite news source.
8. Nina Simone’s story about trying to kill a guy
Nina Simone is hands down one of the most powerful and unique artists of all time. This is a clip from an old interview with the BBC where she spoke about attempting to kill the owner of a record label after he stole from her. She doesn’t have any remorse, and wipes a tear away after laughing about it; I always laugh along with her. Imagine being that cool.
9. Schwan Attacken
Back to my relationship with birds: I went through a real rough patch when I found out swans have teeth. I was in Berlin at the time and noticed that the birds were more aggressive than others I’d met. I think that really coloured my experience of Berlin – the fear of not getting let into Berghain, and the fear of a bird attack at any moment. Anyway, I came across a German Schwan Attacken channel which I would often lie in bed watching. I guess it was some kind of obsessive exposure therapy. However, I still live in fear of the beak, and I never got into Berghain.
10. Jeff Goldblum as the Big Bad Wolf
Jeff Goldblum as the Big Bad Wolf in the 1980s production Faerie Tale Theatre. The smooth jazz and the wolf prosthetics that actually just make him look like a huge rat man always do it for me. “A coward … I like that in a man.”
What the Fuck Is This by Celeste Mountjoy is published by Pan Macmillan ($32.99)
