Name: Britpop.
Age: Twentysomething.
Appearance: A dead horse draped in a union jack being whipped with cheese strings.
I know this! It's the musical movement that started in London in the early 90s, spurred on by a hatred of grunge. Before long, it was drawing in bands from Sheffield, Manchester … Keep going.
Blur, Suede, Elastica, Pulp, Oasis … this was the most exciting time for music since punk. Albarn's boys went head-to-head with the Gallaghers, more than two million people applied for tickets at Knebworth, Geri Halliwell pinched Prince Charles's bottom at a Prince's Trust concert … The Spice Girls weren't Britpop!
I'm running out of facts. Then you'll want to know why we're talking about Britpop today.
Well? It's making a comeback! And not as a type of music.
Then what? As some sort of drink. Blur bassist Alex James has just applied to trademark the name, according to the business paper City AM. The annoyingly vague application covers everything from "beverages enriched with added minerals" to low-alcohol beer and alcopops.
I've always thought of James as a cheese bore. Don't stop just yet. Touring with Blur was simply "an excuse to travel the world eating obscure types of cheese", if we can believe the second volume of his autobiography, All Cheeses Great and Small.
Whereas you were more likely to find Noel Gallagher snorting cocaine in the toilets at No 10? Precisely. James has since launched a range of fancy fromages that includes "nutty and lemony" Little Wallop, "spicy and savoury" Goddess and "steely and sweet" Blue Monday.
Can we change the subject? Was James the one who married Patsy Kensit? That was Liam Gallagher, among others. Back to the cheeses.
Christ. Last year Asda stopped stocking six of them, on the grounds that they were "ahead of their time".
Can a dairy product can be ahead of its time? It can if it's flavoured with salad cream, ketchup, tomato or tikka masala.
Bleuch. So now he's decided to diversify? That's the best-case scenario. He may have been inspired by the fact that there's already a drink called Oasis.
And the worst? He thinks the world is ready for drinkable cheddar.
Do say: "It's fizzy and it's fun!"
Don't say: "It's fizzy and it's feta!"
